Marie Brodie's WIMS

Finally, an arrest

2009-11-18T19:10:00.003-05:00

My thoughts and prayers are with the family of Kelly Morris. Finally, after more than a year after her disappearance, police found her body. Her husband has been charged with her murder.

Where is Domestic Violence?

2009-09-02T13:27:00.004-04:00

I'm doing some research on New Jersey - yes, New Jersey - and I came across the New Jersey Law Network website and they have a list of NJ laws affecting families that looks like this:

Laws affecting Families:
42 USC CHAPTER 67 Child Abuse Link to table of contents from Cornell's Legal Information Institute
42 USC Sec. 5111 Adoption Link to table of contents from Cornell's Legal Information Institute 25 USC CHAPTER 21 Indian Children Link to table of contents from Cornell's Legal Information Institute
S.CT. Divorce Decisions Link to table of contents from Cornell's Legal Information Institute

Where the heck are the domestic violence laws? They need to be right up there next to child abuse! Domestic violence laws affect families and the ability for non-offending spouses, parents, and children to be safe! And most of the time the law is the only way to hold an abuser accountable for their violent, family-destroying behavior.

Get with it New Jersey! Add your domestic violence laws to the list!

PS. No, I have no intentions of moving to New Jersey. The garden state is beautiful, however, I'm partial to NC, our mild weather, and lots of loved ones who live here!

A Possible Break in the Case

2009-09-01T15:15:00.005-04:00

Last month I wrote about 6 African American women whose bodies were found in the same area in Rocky Mounty, NC. (posted 7/8/09). A man has been arrested in connection with the murders. He is a convicted, registered sex offender (his charge was indecent liberties with a 2 year old - ask any DSS worker what indecent liberties means if you are in the mood to get angry about the ridiculous charges that we have for child molestation and how awful, offensive crimes can be reduced to ridiculous misnomers like "indecent liberties with a child").

Most of the women's autopsies revealed brutal, violent murders. The perpetratror targeted women who were on the margins of society - easy access and an easy way to go undetected by police. The perpetrator dragged the women, possibly still alive, off into woods and behind crack houses. He tossed them away like garbage.

The crimes show a particular hatred towards women carried to an extreme. Do you have anything in common with the man who committed these crimes? The murders are all horrific and that can stand in the way of seeing the connections of other lesser forms of violence against women. Can the person who listens to and enjoys music that degrades women see any connection with this man? Probably not. It's too far away and too close at the same time. Who wants to give up the music they love so much? Who could see a reason to give it up when they know they would never murder a woman? How do we make the connections and start a chain of change? Starting with the sex offender/murderer of adult women doesn't seem like the best place to launch a prevention effort. But how do you reach out to people who see no connection to violence against women and their world of music, movies, books, entertainment, and relationships? How do we break through the belief that not murdering women is enough?

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."

~ John Muir

I'm sure John Muir was talking about trees and the environment - the beautiful lands of California that he loved so much. His phrase applies to all of life. How you are living and treating people in your life influences the degree of peace towards women and children everywhere.

Here is the article about today's arrest in Rocky Mount, NC. http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1670771.html

Seeking Understanding

2009-08-30T17:05:00.003-04:00

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. John Muir

The movement to assist victims of abuse has been around long enough to see that we won't end domestic violence by building more shelters with better floor plans. And abuser treatment groups have been around long enough to build a lengthy collection of research showing minimal impact of changing the behavior of an abuser. The violence is connected to all other aspects of life - not just the lives of victims and abusers but the life of the community.

What are communities doing besides providing support and abuser treatment groups? What are we doing to address the connections of how we live in relationships.

The Child

2009-08-28T12:54:00.002-04:00

Today, battered women's shelters are more likely to provide specific services for children than they did 20 years ago. At the shelter, the children benefit from the routine schedule that includes regular, nutritous meals and a consistent bedtime. The children also have the opportunity to talk to a trained counselor where it is safe to communicate about the violence in their homes. Some pre-verbal children can express through play and drawings. Other children are old enough to talk about the violence they witnessed and how it has impacted them.

Every child responds differently to having a violent parent - even within the same household. Children's personalities will influence the role they take on in the family. Depending upon the dynamics in the household, some roles are thrust upon a child.

Common roles played by chidren in families where woman abuse occurs:

Caretaker: taking care of mom and siblings, not self
Mother's Confidant: hears all of mom's emotional concerns and plans
Abuser's Confidant: treated "better" by abuser than other children, asked to report on mom
Abuser's Assistant: helps abuser to be abusive to mom - sometimes a forced role
Perfect Child: tries to stay under the radar of parents
Referee: will attempt to mediate the violence
Scapegoat: child's behavior is labeled as the cause of the violence

From: Helping Children Thrive: Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers by Linda L. Baker and Alison J. Cunningham

Each role has its own physical and emotional dangers for children. Living in a battered women's shelter is a safe environment to simply experience being a child. Children need the opportunity to unpackage the roles they have taken on in their home. Healing from the pain of being a child witness makes space to be your own person, not who you had to be to survive.

To see more about how an adult can impact a child's life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZscS775ek8

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2009-08-21T08:51:00.003-04:00

October is coming soon and it's domestic violence awareness month.
Looking for resources and ideas? Go to http://www.nrcdv.org/dvam for ideas, links, and networking.

The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence is your headquarters for information on awareness events and activities.

Utilizing Social Media Tools to Engage the Community

2009-08-19T00:29:00.001-04:00

The NRCDV is hosting an upcoming webinar titled, "Utilizing Social Media Tools to Engage the Community".

This webinar will focus specifically on how the domestic violence community can utilize social networking sites, tools, and applications to get our message of prevention and effective intervention out to the community.
Please register to participate in the webinar either on Tuesday, September 15 at 11:30 a.m. EDT or Wednesday, September 16 at 3:30 p.m. EDT.

Utilizing Social Media Tools to Engage the Community
Wondering what all of the social media talk is about and what it has to do with your organization? Trying to make sense out of Twitter, Facebook, blogging and other social media applications? Join us to learn how to use the basics, including:
Learn how social media is quickly growing into an effective, resourceful communications medium for nonprofits and social justice advocates.
Begin to recognize, understand, and overcome generational differences that impact willingness to use social media as a means to communicate.
Address common fears and apprehensions about integrating social media strategies.
Get a head start on implementing a social media strategy of your own.

Click on the link below to register for this webinar on either September 15 at 11:30 a.m. EDT or September 16 at 3:30 p.m. EDT.
http://bwjp.ilinc.com/perl/ilinc/lms/event.pl?pp=NRCDV

About the presenter
To say that Nakia Hansen is fascinated with social media and all things communications-related would be an understatement. Currently a freelance writer and social media consultant, Nakia has combined her interests in online media and popular culture with a passion for social justice work and anti-violence advocacy. Nakia is a graduate of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and Temple University's Beasley School of Law, where she was named a Rubin-Presser Public Interest Scholar. Over the years, Nakia has continued to grow her involvement in the public interest sector by studying international human rights law in Tokyo, Japan, providing legal services for Philadelphia's homeless population at the Homeless Advocacy Project, and as a staff member at the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Most recently, she teamed up with the Domestic Violence Advocacy Project to help promote the project's public and prevention education efforts. Nakia currently resides in Poughkeepsie, NY.

Quote from Former US President Jimmy Carter on the status of women

2009-08-11T09:31:00.000-04:00

“This view that women are somehow inferior to men is not restricted to one religion or belief. It is widespread… This discrimination, unjustifiably attributed to a Higher Authority, has provided a reason or excuse for the deprivation of women’s equal rights across the world for centuries… At their most repugnant, the belief that women must be subjugated to the wishes of men excuses slavery, violence, forced prostitution, genital mutilation and national laws that omit rape as a crime. But it also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair access to education, health, employment and influence within their own communities. The impact of these religious beliefs touches every aspect of our lives…. It is not women and girls alone who suffer. It damages all of us. The evidence shows that investing in women and girls delivers major benefits for everyone in society. An educated woman has healthier children. She is more likely to send them to school. She earns more and invests what she earns in her family. It is simply self-defeating for any community to discriminate against half its population.”--Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, “The Words of God Do Not Justify Cruelty to Women,” The London (U.K.) Guardian, July 12, 2009

Put the "f" back into our life!

2009-07-24T19:35:00.003-04:00

Living with an abusive partner is like living "life" without the "f" in it. As in, your life is a lie.

Living with an abuser is not a life. Abusers suck the fun right out of everything. They suck the vitality out of your friends, faith, and family (just to name a few areas where abusive partners make life a lie).

What would it take to put the "f" back into your life and stop living a lie?

Advocacy

2009-07-22T12:06:00.002-04:00

Many years ago I had the privilege of attending a conference in Charlotte, NC where Sarah Buel was the keynote speaker. She gave some excellent advice to people who counsel battered women.

Sarah Buel suggested using the following questions:
1. What do you want to see happen?
2. What worries you most?
3. What can I do to help you?
4. What would you like to do when this is over?
5. Is ther anything that I should have asked you?

The theme running through these questions is the wants/needs/desires of the battered woman. Advocacy can bring the answers to the surface that are already residing within the person.

I especially like the question, "What would you like to do when this is over?" It means that as an advocate, you believe the nightmare of abuse can end for this person. It helps victims to visualize their life after an abusive relationship.

South Carolina Can Be So Weird

2009-07-20T07:44:00.004-04:00

I'm from SC so I usually believe that gives me some ground to stand on when I feel like my home state is behaving badly.

In the June issue of Family Violence Prevention Fund's Speaking Up, they included this update from South Carolina:

SC – State representatives voted to bar any mention of homosexual relationships in a new program designed to curb teen dating violence in middle and high schools. State Representative Greg Delleney proposed an amendment excluding gay and lesbian students from the bill’s prevention efforts, changing “dating partner” to “a person involved in a heterosexual dating relationship with another.” The sponsor, Representative Joan Brady, told Associated Press, “Traditional domestic violence occurs in a man-woman, boy-girl situation.” Ed Madden, the President of S.C. Equality, wrote a column for The State in May which said, in part, “The gender-neutral language of the original bill would have allowed schools to address dating violence as violence, in whatever way seemed appropriate. In fact, sexuality only would have been addressed, I imagine, where it was specifically part of the context. Now, sexuality is the issue. Straight teens are targeted with education, policies and prevention, and gay and lesbian teens are explicitly excluded from the same education, policies and prevention.” The House is expected to take up the issue again next January.

"Traditional domestic violence"
Where do politicians come up with these ridiculous phrases. According to Webster's Dictionary,
tradition is:
1 a: an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b: a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable

Is SC Rep. Joan Bradley saying that our culture's customary pattern is for men to beat women? I would hope it is our tradition for most men not to beat women. Rep. Bradley is correct, but not in the way that she wants to be correct. Most domestic violence does involve a man abusing a woman. That's because our culture has a history of giving legal permission to men to beat women and not vice versa. Unfortunately, that historical permission for straight men to beat women does not stop women from abusing men and it does not stop domestic violence from happening in gay and lesbian relationships.

The "tradition" is for many straight people to act like gay people don't exist and when mainstream politicians do act like gay people exist, it's often to strip away basic civil rights like the right to information about preventing dating violence.

Gay people, and especially gay teens, have a right to reap the benefits of a program that strives to prevent dating violence. We have nothing to gain by trying to exclude information about dating violence in gay and lesbian relationships in a violence prevention class. We have the potential to save lives by sharing information equally and with everyone. We gain safer communities when we work to prevent domestic violence, regardless of whether it is in a straight or gay relationship.

Get with it South Carolina.

First Offense or First Caught?

2009-07-17T16:55:00.003-04:00

First Offenses:
I have no idea if Chris Brown's assault against Rihanna was his first attack of a woman or not. I do know that for most abusers the first time they are reported to the police is not the first time they have assaulted their intimate partner. Not even close.
Maybe first offense needs to be renamed to "First Caught."

From Family Violence Prevention Fund's Speaking Up Newsletter:

On June 22, Chris Brown pled guilty to felony charges for assaulting his then-girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. Brown’s punishment is five years of supervised probation and six months of community service. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg issued a stay-away order, prohibiting Brown from coming within 50 yards of Rihanna and vice versa, and requiring the two to stay ten yards apart at industry events.

“The plea deal reached today in Los Angeles in the domestic violence case involving Chris Brown and Rihanna is not an unusual outcome in a case like this,” said Family Violence Prevention Fund President Esta Soler. “Despite what was apparently an extremely violent assault, it was a first offense. We are glad the charge remained a felony, and that Mr. Brown pleaded guilty, taking responsibility for his actions.” If convicted, Brown could have faced up to five years in prison.

“Time will tell whether justice was served, and that will depend in large part on whether Mr. Brown is truly repentant and takes seriously the interventions that will now be available to help him renounce violence going forward,” Soler continued. “This case is a chilling reminder of how dangerous domestic and dating violence can be, how quickly it can escalate, how badly youth like Mr. Brown who grow up in violent homes need intervention, and how urgently victims need services,” she continued.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports 1,200 deaths and two million injuries to women from intimate partner violence each year and on average, three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in this country. 15.5 million U.S. children live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year, and seven million children live in families in which severe partner violence occurred.

Why were we ever charging rape victims anyway?

2009-07-16T11:08:00.004-04:00

The NC Legislature passed HB 1342 and it's on the way to Governor Bev Perdue for her signature.

HB 1342 clarifies that the Rape Victims Assistance Program pays for the cost of a forensic medical exam for victims of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault.

It also prohibits a medical facility or medical professional from:
1. bill ing victims, their insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, or any other collateral source for the examination
2. seeking reimbursement from the program after one year from the date of the exam.

Further, it eliminates the requirement that a victim report to law enforcement, among other provisions.

Great Bill
It took legislation to stop hospitals from charging victims of rape for evidence collection. It was like asking Wachovia to pay for the fingerprinting of their bank after a robbery.

Help Me Out Here: Match the Sentence to the Crime

2009-07-11T17:47:00.003-04:00

First and foremost, I offer my sympathy to the surviving family members of Mark Buhaug and Marnita Bynum. No one can fully comprehend the suffering and pain of surviving family members of homicide victims.

Robbery is wrong.
Murder is wrong.

The frustration I have is with our bizarre system of using plea bargaining to settle criminal cases.

The cases:

Last year, a man used a gun to rob a manager at a movie theatre. The manager did his best to protect his employees and patrons. The man tapped the gun on the countertop to get the manager to hurry when the gun fired, the bullet ricocheted and subsequently hit the manager and killed him. www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1602013.html

Four years earlier, a couple of counties away, a minister admitted that he strangled his wife to death and then stuffed her dead body into the trunk of her car. www.wral.com/news/local/story/1124875

Here are two sentences for you to choose from:
1. Life in prison

2. 64-86 months (5 to 7 years)

Match the sentence to the crime.

Did you give life in prison to the minister?

You would be wrong.

A plea bargain for first degree murder charges goes to Anthony Bimbo, who committed the armed robbery and murder. He received a sentence of life in prison.

A plea bargain for the charge of manslaughter goes to Minister Melvin Bynum, who strangled his wife to death and then told his congregation (according to www.wral.com) that his wife was home sick when she did not show up for church. He received a sentence of 64-86 months. That's less time than Marnita Bynum's mother served for writing bad checks.

And yes, I do understand how plea bargaining works and that almost every case ends up being settled outside of court. It doesn't make these deals and these sentences any more sane.

Somewhere around 2010 when Bynum has finished serving his sentence for strangling his wife to death, he will probably start establishing his new church. He will probably start looking for a new spouse as well. That same year, Anthony Bimbo will have served 1 year of his life sentence.

Six Women

2009-07-08T22:17:00.004-04:00

Actually the number is 9 women. The News and Observer (Raleigh, NC) covered a story about 6 women who all have been found murdered in Rocky Mount, NC. Another 3 women are missing. I sometimes torture myself and read the comments that people write in response to the online version of the paper. The people who responded to this article surprised me. The comments were smart and on point. Specifically people pointed out how little information the article provided about the women and others questioned why it has taken 6 murders and 3 missing women before this became news. I don't know what you know about Rocky Mount, but I'm here to tell you, it isn't that big. Six murders and 3 missing women is appalling for any town, but especially frightening for a town the size of Rocky Mount. The journalist mentions how some of the women had troubled pasts and that probably is what makes this less newsworthy to the general public. Perhaps the women didn't have awards and plaques hanging on their walls. Maybe they didn't get "yard of the month" in a fancy-pants neighborhood. None of that should matter. It matters that 6 women are dead and 3 more are missing. The murders are all unsolved.

It further galls me to read this article that has absolutely no information on where to call with tips for the police. Don't these women, some of them with "troubled past". deserve as much attention as any other woman from any other neighbhorhood with a shining past?

Here's the link: www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1599226.html

Updates

2009-06-26T12:42:00.002-04:00

It has been over a month since I have posted here. Busy, busy, busy!
Here is what I have been doing:

Going to school and doing copious amounts of homework.
Working at three jobs.
Assisting in the weekend retreat, Growing a New Heart, facilitated by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi, held in Connecticut.
Creating and delivering the following workshops:

March 26: NCVAN certification class: Understanding Domsetic Violence
April 15: UNC Horizons Conference: Addressing Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence
May 8: SEAHEC Conference: Teen Dating Violence
June 17: US Attorney's Conference: Networking in the Domestic Violence Movement

On the horiozn for me: finishing school, delivering more workshops on how to serve victims of abuse, and more blog posts.

On the horizon here: I'll be writing about some recent homicides in NC and some recent legislation in NC, including the anti-bullying bill. I always have something to say, I just don't always make the time to write it down here with my currently packed to the gills schedule.

When did rape become funny?

2009-05-09T10:47:00.002-04:00

It's so weird. Have you heard any dialog, read any blogs, or watched any youtube videos about the rape scene in the movie, Observe and Report? You know, the scene that's supposed to make you laugh at Seth Rogen's character raping a woman? This clip on youtube is an interview with the director/characters. It's just plain weird to me. They actually think the scene is funny when it's a failed attempt at dark humor. It's an example of the director's reach extending beyond their grasp.

Here's the interview with the director and actors: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wjki8FxJNLc

Here's a little piece of social activism in response to the movie. Julia wrote and recorded a song on youtube in response to the movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGIQPTa4s_g

So, have we really come a long way baby? Let's see, Gone with the Wind was made in 1939 and included a rape scene. In this rape scene, the audience isn't supposed to laugh. You're supposed to swoon. And you're supposed to believe that women like to be raped. Consider the fact of Viven Leigh the next morning - smiling and humming. And, of course, the movie doesn't even bother to address the issue of African women who were enslaved and faced repeated rapes at the hands of white slave owners in the south. Too much of a dose of reality? I actually discussed this in a workhop one time and showed the rape scene in the movie. Two white women approached me at the break and told me that I forever ruined their favorite movie for them. They would never be able to watch the movie again without seeing the scene for what it is. Oops. So sorry to have raised your awareness about rape and common culture.

Resources for Working with Teens

2009-05-08T15:15:00.001-04:00

Resources Related to Teen Dating Violence

· Curriculum on Gender-Based Violence in Schools
Doorways Training Manuals - Student, Community Counselor and Teacher Program to Reduce Gender-Based Violence in Schools
http://www.usaid.gov/our_work/cross-cutting_programs/wid/doorways.html
Complete training manuals for teachers and students on School-based Gender-related Violence (SBGRV) Prevention and Response. For ages 10-14

· Mentors in Violence Prevention
www.jacksonkatz.com
Information on (MVP Program): curriculum for teaching high school and college students about dating and sexual violence. Focus is on bystander behavior.

· Facts about teen dating violence
www.endabuse.org
Website of Family Violence Prevention Fund – a wealth of information on all topics related to domestic violence with specific tabs on dating violence.

· Teen Abuse through technology
www.thatsnotcool.org
Website geared towards teens about cyber safety.

· Teen Dating Violence National Hotline and other teen resources
www.loveisrespect.org
www.chooserespect.org (sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control)

· Resources for adults working with teens
www.breakthecycle.org
Includes training manuals and videos. Many free downloads.

· Activism
www.dosomething.org
Social activism website that includes dating violence, bullying and a multitude of other social justice issues.

Sexual Assault in the US Military

2009-04-30T14:51:00.003-04:00

To make matters worse, according to Department of Defense statistics, 84-85 percent of soldiers convicted of rape or sexual assault leave the military with honourable discharges. Not only are they not penalised, they are honoured.

"In 2004, a study of veterans from Vietnam and all wars since, published in the journal of Military Medicine, found that 71 percent of the women were sexually assaulted or raped while serving."
~ 'Culture of Unpunished Sexual Assault in the Military' by Dahr Jamail, Interpress Service.

Wow. That number is outrageously high. And I get the feeling that the journal of Military Medicine is not a journal known for anti-military bias either.

This is not our best that we have to offer women serving in the military...is it?
If the number of sexual assaults offends you, the response of the military should send you over the top - or better yet, over to your legislator.

"To make matters worse, according to Department of Defense statistics, 84-85 percent of soldiers convicted of rape or sexual assault leave the military with honourable discharges. Not only are they not penalised, they are honoured."
~'Culture of Unpunished Sexual Assault in the Military' by Dahr Jamail, Interpress Services

When women sign up for the military, they are taking into consideration that they may be in harms way of an "enemy." Many are not expecting that "enemy" to be a soldier working side by side with them. Unfortunately, some women are expecitng that because of their previous experiences with coworkers, students, and lovers.

To read the full article about sexual violence in the military, go to: http://ipsnews.net/news.asp?idnews=46674

Alcohol and Sexual Violence

2009-04-22T05:59:00.003-04:00

Do you know about www.dosomething.org? It's a very cool website with lots of information on how to get involved in social change. The information below is timely in light of the recent movie, Observe and Report. I haven't seen the movie, but apparently it includes a rape scene that involves alcohol and drugs and is supposed to illicit laughs from the audience. You'll notice I don't use the term "date rape" because I don't really know why people keep promoting the term anyway.

"Date rape" is not a legal term.

Rape is a felony crime and our dialog should treat it as such. Using the term date rape fosters the hostility that rape survivors already experience from our culture-at-large and engenders a false dichotomy that some types of rape aren't as bad as other types of rape. That is a complete diversion from cogent dialog about rape and sexual violence in our culture.

Information below from www.dosomething.org.

Rape by Intoxication Campaign Launches
Submitted by vmartir on Fri, 04/17/2009 - 17:21.
Related Causes:
Violence Against Women,
Violence And Bullying
A Web site aimed at educating high school-aged students about the crime of rape by intoxication was unveiled Thursday by law enforcement officials and community leaders in San Diego.
The website, KnowThePrice.org, was created to address a 60% increase in the number of reported cases of rape by intoxication in the county from 2007 to 2008. The site includes compelling videos featuring interviews with sexual assault victims, a prosecutor, police detective, sexual assault response team doctor and college fraternity members -- all giving first-person accounts designed to educate young people about rape by intoxication.
The problem isn’t exclusive to San Diego or to high school-aged students. In a national study of college students, 75% of males and 55% of females involved in date rape had been drinking or using drugs prior to the assault.
Though never an excuse or cause for rape, alcohol can be part of the equation. Alcohol can affect both men and women, but most importantly, it also affects those skills that can protect a person from being involved in a sexual assault. Remember, regardless of how much a person drinks, no one is ever justified in forcing sex if the other party resists, says "no," or is under the influence of alcohol.
Want to do something about the increasing problem of rape by intoxication?

Growing a New Heart - Healing Retreat with Lundy Bancroft

2009-03-31T05:50:00.002-04:00

I mentioned about a week ago that I would be sharing some information about a healing opportunity. This retreat is scheduled for May 29-31 in Connecticut.

Growing a New Heart: A Weekend Retreat for Survivors Recovering from Relationship Abuse
Facilitated by Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi

IN THIS WORKSHOP WE WILL EXPLORE TOGETHER:

Understanding How Abuse Has Affected Our Lives
By learning and sharing about the impacts of relationship abuse, we will move away from isolation and self-blame, and take the first step toward recovery.

Regaining Faith in Ourselves
We will practice ways to build our self-confidence and self-esteem, and to healthfully manage stress and anxiety. Abusers silence their partners, so we will work on rediscovering our true voice and reclaiming power.

Regaining Faith in Others
Forming (or repairing) close connections to friends and relatives accelerates healing. We will learn how to make good decisions about which people to confide in, and then work on overcoming blocks to trusting again in the face of past betrayals.

Building a New Life that Works
We will discuss empowering strategies
for moving into a new intimate relationship without ending up with another abuser, and learn how to build and keep healthy boundaries.

Leaving the Past Behind
We will learn how to heal the pain of abuse so that we can stop dwelling on the wrongs that have been done, moving instead into freedom. We will learn how to begin to build a lasting support system to help us through this healing process, as we find joy again.

Teen Dating Violence

2009-03-27T10:38:00.003-04:00

I keep getting asked what I think about Rihanna and Chris Brown.

Well, as I was looking into information about this couple I came across this website:

http://www.dosomething.org/whatsyourthing/Violence+and+Bullying/Dating+Abuse

Do something has posted a video with a reenactment of dating violence based on an exact transcript of the law enforcement officer's report of the violence involving Chris Brown.

Check it out. What do you think?

Are You a Well-Adjusted Person?

2009-03-23T07:50:00.002-04:00

To what you might ask.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
-J. Krishnamurti, author, speaker, and philosopher (1895-1986)

This is the predicament of victims of abuse. And sometimes the predicament of employees in an unhealthy work environment.

I'm grateful to be in neither situation and have great empathy for anyone facing either situation and I especially feel empathy for battered women who work in an abusive work environment. The unwinding of adapting to sickness is a major effort. More on where to get help tomorrow.

Teen Dating Violence

2009-03-12T16:37:00.003-04:00

Michelle Johnson Major Bava (of Be A Voice to End Domestic Violence) wrote:

"Today in my classroom, we started talking about Chris Brown and it quickly begam evident the need to bring dating violence education into the school system. In a span of thirty seconds I heard:Rihanna deserved it, she gave him VD.Rihanna deserved it, she hit him first.He only did it once, I'd stay with him, look how good he looks.Look at what he can buy her, I'd stay with him.She can change him.She deserved what she got. She cheated.They just don't understand and we have to educate them.PLEASE PLEASE, I urge you to join the cause MADE-Moms and Dads for Education (MADE) to Stop Teen Dating Abuse.http://apps.facebook.com/causes/172268"

It has been over a decade since I taught violence prevention classes in Wake County (NC) public schools. It doesn't seem like much has changed. I heard many comments like this about the current high profile abuse cases of the time.

The way to start meaningful dialog with teenagers who make these comments is to meet them where they are and not to immediately dismiss their status quo statements. Engage students in critical thinking and get them to take these statements several steps further out and see if they can find any logic in their own belief system. You'll discover which students are pulling your chain, trying to look cool, trying to cover up their own victimization or perhaps covering up their own acts of violence. And you'll discover that some teens still adhere to the status quo belief that violence in intimate relationships is mutual, acceptable and often to be expected. Each teen has a reason for their comments and it's helpful to get them talking even more and listen to them, even though the inclination is to get them to stop talking because what they are saying may sound like nonsense or sound personally offensive.

It's tough to work with youth. Teens know every button to push. They know they have to look tough to their peers. What could be more important to most teens than to blend in with the crowd? It's much cooler for them to side with their peers than with the instructor. I taught violence prevention classes to middle and high school students for over 5 years and it was trial by fire. Everyday was a new lesson for me and them.

Hats off to all who work to educate teens about date violence, rape, and stalking. Don't give up. The number one activity that got through to students more than anything else was when I brought prisoners from the women's prison in Raleigh, NC to speak to the students. The students could relate to women who had a hard life and made some tough choices that put them in the gray bar hotel.

When you talk to teens about interpersonal violence, you are reaching someone in that class whether you know it or not. It's just too hard to be a teen and let an instructor on teen violence know you are getting through. The last thing you want to be in middle or high school is a victim. Relating to and understanding victims can put you at risk in some high schools and middle schools. Think of some of their bizarre comments as self preservation. That's not a bad skill to have.

If Only
I sure wish that someone had been coming into my junior high school or high school talking about dating violence, sexual violence, sexual harassment, and stalking. I've experienced all of them in my lifetime and it would have been nice to know what to do and where to find help - and where to find an adult who could listen and also had answers. Back in my day (yes, I'm aging myself by writing that I went to Junior High School!), guidance counselors didn't know a thing about dating and sexual violence. At least the one in my school didn't.

It's Not Enough
It's not enough to educate teens. Teachers, guidance counselors, principals and parents all have to be educated about interpersonal violence as well. Teens didn't get their ideas about relationships only from each other. As adults, we contribute to their ideas of healthy relationships and we have a responsiblity to teens when they come to us for help. We have a responsiblity to help and not do further harm, unlike my experience in Junior High School. When I was sexually violated, most of the adults that knew created more harm and problems for me than help.

Surprise! Or not.

2009-03-11T07:34:00.002-04:00

More than 2100 registered sex offenders from NC were found on MySpace.
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1437309.html
It's against NC state law for sex offenders to belong to websites where children are also members.

It's not shocking news that sexual predators are on MySpace. Predators look for easy access to create their victims (people and children are not automatic victims).

If you are a parent or guardian, how closely do you monitor your child's activity on the internet? Have you talked to your child about internet safety? Does your child know anything about the common techniques of sexual predators, like grooming?

If you are a parent or guardian, get educated about sexual predators and how to educate your children! It's the job of adults to protect children from sexual predators.

Want to learn more? The NC State Bureau of Investigation Computer Crimes Investigation of Internet Crimes against Children is an excellent resource. http://www.ncsbi.gov/icac/icac_taskforce_computercrimes.jsp