Marie Brodie's WIMS

Domestic Violence Vigil December 15, Durham, NC

2008-12-01T16:03:00.003-05:00

Union Baptist Church Women of Spirit
Durham County Women’s Commission &
Durham Alumnae Chapter
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

Presents “Remember My Name”

Monday, December 15, 2008
6:00pm
Union Baptist Church
904 North Roxboro Street
Durham, NC 27701

Join us during our 7th Annual Candlelight and ribbon pinning ceremony on the domestic violence tree as we commemorate the lives lost as a result of Domestic Violence in North Carolina

Domestic Violence.
Don’t make excuses. Make it Stop!

I will be giving a short keynote presentation at this vigil. I hope you can come.

"There is nothing more that we can do."

2008-11-25T18:03:00.002-05:00

One year ago, I attended the NC Governor's Crime Commission conference at the Sea Trail Conference Center in Sunset Beach, NC. US Representative Poe from Texas was the keynote speaker on the opening day. He told many stories of his creative sentencing when he was a judge. The crux of his message was that more can always be done to help people.

He emphasized the need for creativity when working with offenders in order to support and help victims of crime.

Victims of domestic vioelnce are frquently told that nothing more can be done. Sometimes they are told that nothing can be done until the abuser commits another crime. Even if the next crime is not a murder, the inherent message to a victim is that they have to make the sacrifice of being hurt again in order for the abuser to be punished or held accountable.

As advocates and allies, we owe it to victims to ask what more can we do? And, what more can we do that does not involve the victim being hurt again?

To answer that question, we need creativity. When we believe that nothing more can be done, often it's because we are only looking at our sanctioned laundry list of services that may or may not match up to the needs of the people we serve.

When our services don't match up with victim's needs, that's our cue to get creative in our solutions and to brainstorm with survivors about what can be done. Then we have to be willing to act on these creative solutions, regardless of the standard list of services we have.

We can move towards saying, "There is more that can be done. Let's find the solution together."

Domestic Violence in the Workplace

2008-11-19T09:28:00.003-05:00

From the CAEPV newsletter (Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence):

The November 24, 2008, issue of Fortune magazine contains an article titled "Domestic Violence: Corporate America’s struggle to confront the issue."

Fortune is the first such business magazine to cover the issue in this way, and they are to be congratulated for the time and effort taken to put a human face on this business issue.

Great thanks to the writer, Betsy Morris, for her tireless efforts. Coverage includes CAEPV members Allstate, Liz Claiborne, Safe Horizon, Verizon Wireless, and the Sam Walton School of Business at the University of Arkansas as well as CAEPV board member Dede Bartlett.

Above all, the stories of those who have survived (and not survived) domestic violence are told. The online version of the article will be available the week of November 17.

Creativity

2008-11-14T15:43:00.002-05:00

What sparks your creativity? When people are not safe, it's difficult to learn and be creative. For battered women and their children, a constant state of fear and anxiety can hinder coming up with creative solutions to difficult, life-threatening situations. That's where advocates can be so helpful - unless you yourself are not safe and are feeling like your creativity is stifled.

I went to see Dr. Oliver Sacks (the doctor who inspired the movie, Awakenings) at the Friday Center last night with a colleague. Dr. Sacks' talk was about creativity.

Running is one of those wonderful activities that sparks my creativity. Long distance running gives me time to clear my mind and generate ideas for workshops and training. I will have that opportunity tomorrow when I run the Richmond Half Marathon at 7:30am! 13.1 miles! Woo Hoo!

Are you doing something to spark your own creativity?

Child Fatalities

2008-11-10T07:19:00.002-05:00

I have been spending the weekend prepping for 2 workshops. Tomorrow I will be presenting a workshop on how non-profits can work with the media in Monroe, NC.

On November 17, I will be presenting an all-day workshop titled, All in the Family: Domestic Violence and Child Abuse sponsored by Child Abuse Prevention Team/Our House of Wilkes County.

Last year, in North Carolina, parents or caregivers murdered 25 children. The number one cause of death was blunt force trauma. All of the children were 6 years old or younger. Source: www.preventchildabusenc.org

National studies consistently report that at least half of adults who abuse their intimate partner also abuse their children. This means abuse above and beyond the emotional trauma of witnessing one parent beat your other parent.

The separation of programs that serve child abuse victims and adult victims of intimate partner violence creates an added barrier to services. Part of the goal of the November 17 workshop is to bring together advocates from a variety of disciplines so that we can build relationships and continue to work together to end all forms of family violence.

Shattered by "Sudden" Violence

2008-11-03T23:04:00.003-05:00

I have been following how the media reports on domestic violence homicides for almost 20 years. I still get amazed at the words that get chosen to describe these violent crimes. Two cases in point today in the News and Observer.

The story, "2 years later, a mother's slaying remains unsolved." states "...arrest of Brad Cooper on murder charges in the slaying of his wife, Nancy - the case of another suburban couple with young chidlren and a seemingly bright future shattered by sudden violence."

Sudden violence? That's obnoxious when just a week earlier the N and O quoted Pat Bazemore, the Cary police chief as stating, "It has been a case of domestic violence of the very worst kind." Sudden violence has nothing to do with domestic violence. Domestic violence is a slow, insidious form of violence that an abuser uses in a calculated and cunning way. Sudden has little to do with it.

Then to add to the insult, today's article includes a timeline of the murder of Michelle Young that states, "Her 2-year-old daughter is found unharmed." How could that be? Yes, yes, I know I am supposed to assume they mean physically unharmed - you know, as though physical harm is the only type of harm that has any significance on our lives?

The article states, "...deputies found tiny footprints in blood left by her 2-year-old daughter." She is not unharmed. Let's stop putting blinders on and refusing to see the harm caused to children by witnessing physical violence and homicide. And let's especially not put blinders on when the violence that children witness is violence that is inflicted on one parent by the other one.

Apologies

2008-11-01T11:32:00.003-04:00

Survivors of abuse will frequently ask advocates if they should forgive their ex-partner for the abuse. It's a personal choice that people have to decide for themselves.

Are the abusers out there asking an advocate, friend, or counselor this question:
Should I apologize? It's pretty rare for an abuser to acknowledge the pain and suffering that they have inflicted on their families. And many of them are forgiven by partners, children, friends, and family - without any apology or acknowledgement of wrongdoing.

I like to follow Seth Godin's blog. It has absolutely nothing to do with domestic violence - he's just a super-smart and witty marketing guru. Here is a link to his entry about apologies. Gotta love it because it's short, sweet, and to the point.

http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/2123/35136645

Are you in need of apologizing for a transgression or wrong-doing? A great resource for you is the book, The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel.

Bradley Cooper Charged with Murder

2008-10-29T07:46:00.005-04:00

When Nancy Cooper was murdered over the summer in Cary, NC, I was concerned because the news reported that a runner was murdered. Any murder is disturbing, but this was especially upsetting since I am someone who loves to run in the Triangle and finds great freedom and peace of mind from it.

Then, the police named Brad Cooper, Nancy's husband, as a person of interest. That's never a surprise to people who work with victims and survivors of abuse. Or to those of us who are survivors. When we hear of a woman being murdered, we probably think of the partner or ex-partner first. It has more to do with statistics than it has to do with any bias.

Yesterday, the police charged Brad Cooper with the murder of his wife, Nancy Cooper. If found guilty of first degree murder he could be sentenced to life without parole or to death. He is currently being held without bond.

I've been reading articles about domestic violence homicides for about 20 years.
Of particular interest in the newspaper stories about Brad Cooper:
1. According to affadavits published online by the News and Observer, the abuse in the marriage was no secret to neighbors and friends of the Coopers. Advocates frequently talk about how domestic violence thrives on secrecy. There was no secrecy about his abuse.

2. Chief Pat Bazemore, of the Cary Police Department, was quoted yesterday in the Raleigh News and Observer as saying, "It has been a case of domestic violence of the very worst kind." It is rare to see the words "domestic violence" in homicide stories about a white couple living in a wealthy neighborhood. It's more likely to see statements like, "crime of passion", "he snapped", "love gone bad". To see this homicide described as domestic violence is great progress from the news stories about Mike Peterson, who murdered his wife, Kathleen Peterson. The words "domestic violence" rarely, if ever, appeared to describe his crime.

Facts about homicide of women by intimate partners:
• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports 1,200 deaths and two million injuries to women from intimate partner violence each year.
• According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, on average three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States. Women are 84 percent of spouse abuse victims, 86 percent of victims of abuse at the hands of a boyfriend or girlfriend, and three in four victims of family violence.

Flee Factor

2008-10-27T15:38:00.003-04:00

How is your flee factor?
Are you any good at getting out of bad situations? Like when you get stung by a hornet?
What about when you are with an abusive partner?

Yesterday, I was sharing a story with a friend of mine about being stung multiple times by hornets and taking more than a moment to get away from them. My friend joked that my "flee factor" was kind of slow in this situation. It's so true, I was slow to realize how severe my reaction was to the stings.

It's common knowledge among advocates and survivors that abusers bait their victims into relationships by pouring on the charm and seeming like a nice, caring mate. It's only after the initial attraction and connection that abusive behavior shows up. And yes, it's true that abusers sometimes show lots of red flags early in the relationship. Partners sometimes heed those red flags are sometimes ignore them.

The flee factor comes into play after a mate shows their true nature of having a need for power and control in the relationship. Or after you spot the red flags that you are with a hornet who is going to sting you - repeatedly.

It can be dangerous to flee an abuser. When battered women are murdered, it's usually after they leave an abuser or while they are in the process of leaving. That doesn't change the element within ourselves: our ability to detect when it's time to make a plan of escape and to execute that plan. Is your flee factor sharp or is it like a dull knife that can't cut paper? Are you slow to recognize danger and warning signs that it's time to get away or are you quick to see that it's time to get out and get away? How is your "flee factor?"

We Are All Impacted by Domestic Violence

2008-10-24T07:06:00.003-04:00

As a culture, we are getting better and better at recognizing that domestic violence is not a "women's issue" and that children are impacted in profound and lasting ways.

To learn more, watch this powerful video of Patrick Stewart (the actor who plays Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Star Trek fame) describing his experience as a child witness of domestic violence and the impact it has had on his adult life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPzVUGE3dds

I Still Love Him...

2008-10-23T10:51:00.002-04:00

Women who have left an abusive partner frequently struggle with feelings of love for their partner. The love goes hand in hand with the feeling of confusion. Many women ask themselves, how could I still love someone who is so mean, violent, and abusive? Unfortunately, these emotions are also accompanied by the feeling that something is wrong... with us.

Women who have left abusive partners come into contact with many people who believe that the feelings of love indicate something gravely wrong with her. Something to be fixed, improved, or changed.

Consider this:

It's normal to remember good times and translate that into feelings of love.
It's normal to see the potential for change and hope for it to happen.
It's normal to remember and love the person that you are able to see underneath the violence, abuse, and meanness.

The question to ask women who are still in love with an abusive partner is not, what is wrong with you?

Here are some questions to explore:

What would it be like to acknowledge that you love someone and choose not to be with them?
What sacrifices of self respect and dignity do you have to make in order to be with this person?
What price would you have to pay in order to be with this person? What price would your children have to pay in order for you to be with this person? (dignity? self respect? job? leisure activities? time with family? freedom? safety?)
What is the grieving process like for you? How can you take the time to grieve and feel the pain of the end of a relationship? Who are your support systems as you go through this process? (because no one should go though this process alone)

What are you doing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month?

2008-10-20T13:10:00.002-04:00

If your answer is, "I don't know," then here are several opportunities for you to choose.

Tomorrow, October 21st, at NCCU, see "Speaking without Tongues"
Reception at 6:30pm
Performance at 7:00pm
More information at www.hiddenvoices.org

Thursday, October 23, at First Presbyterian Church, 305 E. Main St., Durham, NC, attend a lecture by Ms. Mildred Muhammad, ex-wife of the infamous DC/Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad.
More information at www.durhamcrisisresponse.org

Saturday, October 25, at the Pavilion at Durham Central Park, from 7pm to 9pm, attend Hear Them, a candlelight vigil and moving performance in memory of all the women, men, and children murdered because of domestic violence in NC. This vigil is sponsored by Inspirational Productions.
More information from Danita Davis at: 919-490-3012.

What is ICAC?

2008-10-16T17:03:00.004-04:00

ICAC: It stands for Internet Crimes Against Children

Why do we need to know?
(information from presentation given by Kevin West, Special Agent in Charge, NC State Bureau of Investigaion Computer Crimes Unit at the Child Advocacy Centers of NC conference in September, 2008)

In one study of children who use the Internet:
1 in 4 reported unwanted exposure to nudity
1 in 5 reported sexual solicitation
1 in 17 reported that they were threatened or harassed
1 in 33 reported being asked to meet, phoned, or mailed

From the State Bureau of Investigation Website:
"Internet Crimes Against Children" (ICAC) is a nationwide network of law enforcement agencies and prosecutors dedicated to protecting children from online dangers. The United States Department of Justice's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention founded ICAC and provides funding for it.

North Carolina's ICAC Task Force is led by the State Bureau of Investigation, which is part of the North Carolina Department of Justice headed by Attorney General Roy Cooper. The ICAC Task Force assists local law enforcement agencies in tracking down predators who use the Internet to exploit children, and helps prosecutors when those cases go to court.

To read about the type of case where the task force provides assistance, go to: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1255465.html

It is interesting to note that in the news article, it states that the perpetrator confessed to "sex addiction." That sounds so cleaned up, so different from confessing to exploitation of a minor or confessing to viewing child pornography. He plead guilty to 10 counts of second-degree exploitation of a minor. Sound troubling to you? His sentence is 20 days of weekend jail and five years of probation.

Feel free to share your opinion here.

It's Time to Exhale

2008-10-15T09:38:00.002-04:00

From the Exhale website, www.exhalenc.org:

EXHALE is a grassroots, faithbased, nonprofit organization that supports, involves, and includes victims and survivors of violence from all racial, social, ethnic, religious and economic groups.

Our mission is to promote quality services and resources to the community through awareness, prevention, and intervention.

Our goal is to ensure empowerment, equality, and advocacy for all individuals as we work towards eradicating all forms of violence and other forms of oppression.
____

Exhale is located in Creedmoor, NC and offers support services to victims and survivors of abuse. You can reach Exhale at their 24 Hour Support Line: 919-672-0139.

Exhale's founder and director, Kate Brodie, was recently featured in the Durham Herald Sun for her performance in Speaking without Tongues, a play about violence against women created by Hidden Voices.

If you haven't seen Speaking without Tongues, you have three more chances:
October 21 at 7:00pm at the NC Central University campus in Durham, NC

October 28 at the UNC Chapel Hill campus at 3:30pm and again at 6:30pm.

These performances are free and open to the public.

It all started with The Wild Trees

2008-10-13T20:42:00.002-04:00

The vision started over a year ago when a friend of mine gave me the book, The Wild Trees, by Richard Preston. As I read about Stephen Sillett and Marie Antoine, who have climbed the tallest trees in the world in northern California, I knew that I had to see these trees for myself.

I began making plans to camp and hike among the Coast Redwoods in Humboldt State Park and Redwoods National Park, California. I was determined to see these beautiful, tall trees. Finally, on September 21, 2008, my dream came true. Two of my siblings and I flew to San Francisco and met my sister, Michelle. From there we drove to Albee Creek Campsite and embarked on my dream vacation. Seeing the coast redwoods was everything I dreamed it would be - breathtaking majesty and beauty. Nothing compares to standing among the Coast Redwoods.

If you have a dream, now is the time to realize it and make it your reality. If something in your life or relationships is not the way that you want it to be, then set your course, find your resources, make your plans, and make change happen.

If a coast redwood can grow from a tiny seed to well over 300 feet tall with no budget, no policy, and no committee meeting (OK, that last one puts the Redwoods at a sure advantage!), then I believe we can each grow to our fullest potential in our lifetime.

Giving Voice to Abuse Survivors

2008-10-12T09:21:00.002-04:00

Danita Davis, director of Inspirational Productions, was named Tar Heel of the Week in this Sunday's News and Observer. Ms. Davis is a powerful woman who shatters the myths about victims of abuse and what it means to survive and heal from a battering relationship.

For the complete story ... http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1252173.html

Congratulations Ms. Davis! To learn more about her work, be sure to attend her domestic violence candlelight vigil on October 25, at 7pm, at the pavilion at Durham Central Park.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2008-10-11T19:45:00.002-04:00

On October 25, 2008, Inspirational Productions will host a vigil in memory of all of the women, men, and children who have lost their lives in NC because of domestic violence in 2008. The vigil will be held at the Pavilion at Durham Central Park, 501 Foster St. from 7:00pm. to 9:00pm.

This is an opportunity to remember the people who died because of domestic violence and it is a time to be grateful for the peace and blessings that you have in your own home.

Please don't let October pass you by without taking the time to remember domestic violence homicide victims and find out more about how you can be a part of the solution. I hope you will join Danita Davis and Inspirational Productions on October 25 for the candlelight vigil, "Hear Them."

For more information, please call 919-490-3012.

Domestic Violence Homicide

2008-10-08T23:16:00.003-04:00

In the last 10 months, four military women in NC have been murdered. Either a husband, estranged husband, or acquaintance have been charged with their murders. Domestic violence homicides are not unique to the military. We have to pay attention to all domestic violence homicides. When the number of homicides is this high within the military, we owe it to all military families to offer support, education, and information on domestic violence and what services are available both to victims and abusers.

I extend my sympathy to the families of the four military women who have been murdered in the last 10 months in NC.

information below is from www.WRAL.com
Lance Cpl. Maria Lauterbach was beaten to death in December, and her charred remains were found in January in the back yard of Cpl. Cesar Laurean, a fellow Camp Lejeune Marine. Laurean is awaiting extradition from Mexico, where he was arrested after a three-month international manhunt.

Spc. Megan Touma's body was found in a Fayetteville motel room in June, nine days after she arrived at Fort Bragg. Sgt. Edgar Patino, a student at the John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School at Fort Bragg, has been charged in the case.

The burned remains of 2nd Lt. Holley Wimunc, a nurse at Womack Army Medical Center, were found in Onslow County in July, three days after a suspicious fire was reported at her Fayetteville apartment. Her estranged husband, Marine Cpl. John Wimunc, and another Camp Lejeune Marine, have been charged in her death.

Sgt. Christina Smith was killed on Sept. 30 in an apparent mugging. Investigators said her husband, Sgt. Richard Smith, paid another serviceman to carry out the attack.

Please help find Kelly Currin Morris

2008-10-03T07:36:00.002-04:00

Kelly Currin Morris has been missing since September 3, 2008.
If you would like to send a donation to the Currin family please send to
Pat Currin
P. O. Box 609
Creedmoor, NC 27522

The donations will help with the private K-9 search throughout the area for Kelly, food for the numerous volunteers, and other expenses incurred from the searches. If there are any additional funds left, it will go to Kelly's children.

Investigators have been working around the clock; however, they need your help. If you are able to give any of your time to continue the search for Kelly, it would be greatly appreciated by the Currin family.

If you volunteer, remember you will be searching in remote, heavily wooded areas. You will need bug spray, must wear jeans/long pants, long sleeve shirts, and boots, if possible. Please see the information below and location for the continued search. On Saturday 10/4/08 and Sunday, 10/5/08 the meeting place to continue the search for Kelly Currin Morris will be 2816 Old Weaver Trail, Creedmoor, NC. The searches will begin at approx 9:00 AM, and last until 5:00 PM. Searches will also be conducted during week days. This will be the meeting place each day until further notice. If you're able to volunteer for the entire day, or just a portion of the day, it would be greatly appreciated.

Please pass this information on to anyone you know who may be interested in volunteering. Thank you for helping with the continued search for Kelly. The Currin family very much appreciate the support and care shown to them.

What are you doing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month?

2008-10-02T11:04:00.001-04:00

Speaking Without Tongues, the current Hidden Voices project, explores violence and survival in the actual lives of women from diverse ethnic backgrounds. The ensemble of African-American, Arab, Euro-American, Latina, and South Asian women have worked with the non-profit Hidden Voices for more than a year, exploring their own experiences, learning how to tell their own stories, and giving voice to other women who share their struggle but cannot speak for themselves, either because they are still in danger or because their family or social positions prohibit this kind of exposure.

Violence against women and girls is a major human rights issue and a global phenomenon of epidemic proportions; it is hidden but it is pervasive. Violence affects our sisters, our mothers, our co-workers, and our children.

Using personal stories from survivors across NC, along with original music by Shirlette Ammons, Catherine Edgerton, and Shannon O’Neill, and photography by Jessie Gladin-Kramer and others, Speaking Without Tongues uncovers and expresses the almost unspeakable truths of these contemporary lives. The survival stories are horrifying but undeniably inspiring. Looking steadfastly at both realities allows us to enter a realm in which awareness grows and healing thrives.

In addition to the performance, the project includes self-portraits in the form of photographs and constructed boxes created by the survivors. The photographs express how personal scars – physical, emotional, intellectual – take shape in the geography of their bodies and their daily lives. The boxes combine personal and found objects; they boxes hide, frame, and reveal the survivors’ understanding that what is not spoken is still heard. The exhibit opening at The ArtsCenter is October 10, 2008.

accusations

2008-09-19T23:45:00.004-04:00

A common tactic of abusers is to accuse their partner of the very thing that they are doing. It's a form of abuse called "crazy making."

Why do abusers do that?
They do it to draw attention to their partner and away from themselves. They do it to get others to focus on their partner and not on their abusive, harmful behavior. It allows them to buy time to continue to be abusive and stay under the radar. Undetected, they can continue to be abusive and get away with their harmful behavior.

The trap
When we listen to an abuser's false accusations about their partner and never bother to check the facts or hear the other side of the story, we are allowing the abuser to continue their abusive, maladaptive behavior. This is one of the many ways that people accidentally (and sometimes intentionally) collude with an abuser.

The remedy
An abusive person is not a good source of information on their partner or their former partner. Abusers commonly paint themselves as the victim and paint their partner as an abuser. They rarely own up to their harmful behavior. They portray themselves as a person in need of great sympathy and protection - never taking responsibility for their controlling behaviors. As advocates, it's important to get information directly from an individual about their own behavior. Victims of abuse usually will discuss their own behavior in the relationship, whereas an abuser will usually want to continue focusing on their partner's behavior and talk about all the things their partner has done to them.

History in the Making

2008-08-31T15:04:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't written in a while. I've been working on putting curriculum together for a two day workshop in Maryland and I've been watching history in the making at the Democratic National Convention, and now with McCain's historic nomination. Proof that change can happen.

While preparing for my upcoming workshops, I've been doing my typical thing of over-preparing by reading and going to websites. I've been reading about Erin Pizzey who opened the first battered women's refuge in England in 1971. She also wrote the first book on domestic violence, Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear. That's a pretty auspicious beginning.

As I read on my admiration turned to confusion. She has a bizarre concept that there are battered women and then there are women she calls "violence prone." She states that the women she labels as "violence prone" are not battered women. As I read further, the only distinction I could see was that she describes women who return to their partners after a violent episode and give them a second (or third or fourth chance) are "violence prone" and therefore not battered women.

I've worked with victims and survivors since the late 80s and have been in an abusive relationship myself and all I can say is that the distinction of separating out women who return to abusive partners and women who don't is sophisticated victim blaming. (and maybe calling it sophisticated is being generous). If the women who return continue to get battered by their partners, why aren't they battered women? And what do we call a partner who promises to stop the violence, and yet continues to be violent? If she's not a battered woman, is the continuously violent partner suddenly not an abuser. It doesn't even make sense.

All of the women that I have talked to who returned to an abusive partner said one of two things. Some talked of hope and love for a better future after their partners made grandiose promises of no longer being violent and getting help. Other women talked about continued violence, harassment, stalking, and financial ruin to the point that going back looked like the only way to stop the continued violence (until they could come up with a more comprehensive plan to get away).

Intimate relationships are complex and when you add violence to the mix, they are even more confusing. And no relationships shakes down to one person being all bad and one person being all good. But to make the distinction that women who return to an abusive partner are not battered women and soemhow want the abuse is not a distinction that sheds any helpful light on understanding an abusive relationship - and frankly just turns the light out and leaves us in the dark.

True Domestic Violence?

2008-08-22T15:41:00.002-04:00

At a recent workshop I asked the participants to share their goals for the day. One person asked me to share the definition of "true domestic violence." That threw me for a loop. I wasn't sure what "fake domestic violence" is or "untrue domestic violence" or whatever is the opposite of "true domestic violence." I got the impression that she was not talking about someone making up a story of domestic violence.

I asked for clarification and the person shared that intake workers (for social services) find out that a husband hit a wife and a wife then pushed her husband and the intake worker labels that domestic violence. She stated that this is frustrating for investigators because it is not "true domestic violence."

As long as we paint domestic violence as a story of one monstrous person always hitting and striking one victim, then we'll have questions and confusion. Domestic violence doesn't measure up like that. Abusers aren't monsters and victims do not sit back and do nothing while their partner beats them up. We owe it to victims of partner violence to understand the dynamics of when an abuser uses violence and if and when a victim uses violence.

Not all victims use violence, but when they do, it is not for the same reasons that an abuser uses violence and it does not yield the same results. You have to be willing to ask in depth questions and find answers that are complicated and may not look the way you thought domestic violence looks, especially if you learned about it in a class or in a book, and not from experience or from working with both survivors and perpetrators.

Back to that one hit and one push couple. I'll have to do my homework and find the study, but I have read before that victims of abuse have experienced physical violence about 9 times before they call the police. Hearing about one hit and one push deserves more investigation. Odds are that much more violence was taking place before protective services was called. One hit and one push does not necessarily mean that you are dealing with two people fighting.

Also, the overlap of child abuse and domestic violence is at least 50%. What is the harm in screening all families for domestic abuse?

About Me
I'll write more about this in another entry. For now, I'm headed to Jackson County, NC for some R&R. I'll be canoeing on the Nantahala River. Remember to take breaks when you need it. The work isn't going away and it will all be there for you when you get back. The break refreshes the mind and restores the heart - especially when you get to be surrounded by nature.

Moore County (NC) is Amazing!

2008-08-19T19:28:00.002-04:00

A big thank you to Friend to Friend (Moore County's domestic violence program), Sandhills Community College, Jennifer Currie from the Moore County District Attorney's Office, and Marcelle Quist (Legal Aid of NC) for hosting the domestic violence workshop I facilitated today. I appreciated their wonderful hospitality.

They did a great job getting the community to participate. The audience included law enforcement officers from both the police department and sheriff's office, 4 assistant district attorneys, child protection services staff, mental health professionals, domestic violence advocates, and legal aid. Their district attorney, Maureen Krueger, stopped by and even participated in a role play. Now that's community involvement!

I'm headed out to Greensboro, NC tonight and will be presenting tomorrow morning with Claudia Kearney at the NC DHHS MRS Institute. How's that for alphabet soup! It means: North Carolina Dept. of Health and Human Services Multiple Response System.

Marie Brodie's WIMS

Domestic Violence Vigil December 15, Durham, NC

"There is nothing more that we can do."

Domestic Violence in the Workplace

Creativity

Child Fatalities

Shattered by "Sudden" Violence

Apologies

Bradley Cooper Charged with Murder

Flee Factor

We Are All Impacted by Domestic Violence

I Still Love Him...

What are you doing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month?

What is ICAC?

It's Time to Exhale

It all started with The Wild Trees

Giving Voice to Abuse Survivors

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Domestic Violence Homicide

Please help find Kelly Currin Morris

What are you doing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month?

accusations

Recommended Reading

History in the Making

True Domestic Violence?

Moore County (NC) is Amazing!