Put the "f" back into our life!

Living with an abusive partner is like living "life" without the "f" in it. As in, your life is a lie.

Living with an abuser is not a life. Abusers suck the fun right out of everything. They suck the vitality out of your friends, faith, and family (just to name a few areas where abusive partners make life a lie).

What would it take to put the "f" back into your life and stop living a lie?

Advocacy

Many years ago I had the privilege of attending a conference in Charlotte, NC where Sarah Buel was the keynote speaker. She gave some excellent advice to people who counsel battered women.

Sarah Buel suggested using the following questions:
1. What do you want to see happen?
2. What worries you most?
3. What can I do to help you?
4. What would you like to do when this is over?
5. Is ther anything that I should have asked you?

The theme running through these questions is the wants/needs/desires of the battered woman. Advocacy can bring the answers to the surface that are already residing within the person.

I especially like the question, "What would you like to do when this is over?" It means that as an advocate, you believe the nightmare of abuse can end for this person. It helps victims to visualize their life after an abusive relationship.

South Carolina Can Be So Weird

I'm from SC so I usually believe that gives me some ground to stand on when I feel like my home state is behaving badly.

In the June issue of Family Violence Prevention Fund's Speaking Up, they included this update from South Carolina:

SC – State representatives voted to bar any mention of homosexual relationships in a new program designed to curb teen dating violence in middle and high schools. State Representative Greg Delleney proposed an amendment excluding gay and lesbian students from the bill’s prevention efforts, changing “dating partner” to “a person involved in a heterosexual dating relationship with another.” The sponsor, Representative Joan Brady, told Associated Press, “Traditional domestic violence occurs in a man-woman, boy-girl situation.” Ed Madden, the President of S.C. Equality, wrote a column for The State in May which said, in part, “The gender-neutral language of the original bill would have allowed schools to address dating violence as violence, in whatever way seemed appropriate. In fact, sexuality only would have been addressed, I imagine, where it was specifically part of the context. Now, sexuality is the issue. Straight teens are targeted with education, policies and prevention, and gay and lesbian teens are explicitly excluded from the same education, policies and prevention.” The House is expected to take up the issue again next January.

"Traditional domestic violence"
Where do politicians come up with these ridiculous phrases. According to Webster's Dictionary,
tradition is:
1 a: an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b: a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable

Is SC Rep. Joan Bradley saying that our culture's customary pattern is for men to beat women? I would hope it is our tradition for most men not to beat women. Rep. Bradley is correct, but not in the way that she wants to be correct. Most domestic violence does involve a man abusing a woman. That's because our culture has a history of giving legal permission to men to beat women and not vice versa. Unfortunately, that historical permission for straight men to beat women does not stop women from abusing men and it does not stop domestic violence from happening in gay and lesbian relationships.

The "tradition" is for many straight people to act like gay people don't exist and when mainstream politicians do act like gay people exist, it's often to strip away basic civil rights like the right to information about preventing dating violence.

Gay people, and especially gay teens, have a right to reap the benefits of a program that strives to prevent dating violence. We have nothing to gain by trying to exclude information about dating violence in gay and lesbian relationships in a violence prevention class. We have the potential to save lives by sharing information equally and with everyone. We gain safer communities when we work to prevent domestic violence, regardless of whether it is in a straight or gay relationship.

Get with it South Carolina.

First Offense or First Caught?

First Offenses:
I have no idea if Chris Brown's assault against Rihanna was his first attack of a woman or not. I do know that for most abusers the first time they are reported to the police is not the first time they have assaulted their intimate partner. Not even close.
Maybe first offense needs to be renamed to "First Caught."

From Family Violence Prevention Fund's Speaking Up Newsletter:

On June 22, Chris Brown pled guilty to felony charges for assaulting his then-girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. Brown’s punishment is five years of supervised probation and six months of community service. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg issued a stay-away order, prohibiting Brown from coming within 50 yards of Rihanna and vice versa, and requiring the two to stay ten yards apart at industry events.

“The plea deal reached today in Los Angeles in the domestic violence case involving Chris Brown and Rihanna is not an unusual outcome in a case like this,” said Family Violence Prevention Fund President Esta Soler. “Despite what was apparently an extremely violent assault, it was a first offense. We are glad the charge remained a felony, and that Mr. Brown pleaded guilty, taking responsibility for his actions.” If convicted, Brown could have faced up to five years in prison.

“Time will tell whether justice was served, and that will depend in large part on whether Mr. Brown is truly repentant and takes seriously the interventions that will now be available to help him renounce violence going forward,” Soler continued. “This case is a chilling reminder of how dangerous domestic and dating violence can be, how quickly it can escalate, how badly youth like Mr. Brown who grow up in violent homes need intervention, and how urgently victims need services,” she continued.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports 1,200 deaths and two million injuries to women from intimate partner violence each year and on average, three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in this country. 15.5 million U.S. children live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year, and seven million children live in families in which severe partner violence occurred.

Why were we ever charging rape victims anyway?

The NC Legislature passed HB 1342 and it's on the way to Governor Bev Perdue for her signature.

HB 1342 clarifies that the Rape Victims Assistance Program pays for the cost of a forensic medical exam for victims of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault.

It also prohibits a medical facility or medical professional from:
1. bill ing victims, their insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, or any other collateral source for the examination
2. seeking reimbursement from the program after one year from the date of the exam.

Further, it eliminates the requirement that a victim report to law enforcement, among other provisions.

Great Bill
It took legislation to stop hospitals from charging victims of rape for evidence collection. It was like asking Wachovia to pay for the fingerprinting of their bank after a robbery.

Help Me Out Here: Match the Sentence to the Crime

First and foremost, I offer my sympathy to the surviving family members of Mark Buhaug and Marnita Bynum. No one can fully comprehend the suffering and pain of surviving family members of homicide victims.

Robbery is wrong.
Murder is wrong.

The frustration I have is with our bizarre system of using plea bargaining to settle criminal cases.

The cases:

Last year, a man used a gun to rob a manager at a movie theatre. The manager did his best to protect his employees and patrons. The man tapped the gun on the countertop to get the manager to hurry when the gun fired, the bullet ricocheted and subsequently hit the manager and killed him. www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1602013.html

Four years earlier, a couple of counties away, a minister admitted that he strangled his wife to death and then stuffed her dead body into the trunk of her car. www.wral.com/news/local/story/1124875

Here are two sentences for you to choose from:
1. Life in prison

2. 64-86 months (5 to 7 years)

Match the sentence to the crime.

Did you give life in prison to the minister?

You would be wrong.

A plea bargain for first degree murder charges goes to Anthony Bimbo, who committed the armed robbery and murder. He received a sentence of life in prison.

A plea bargain for the charge of manslaughter goes to Minister Melvin Bynum, who strangled his wife to death and then told his congregation (according to www.wral.com) that his wife was home sick when she did not show up for church. He received a sentence of 64-86 months. That's less time than Marnita Bynum's mother served for writing bad checks.

And yes, I do understand how plea bargaining works and that almost every case ends up being settled outside of court. It doesn't make these deals and these sentences any more sane.

Somewhere around 2010 when Bynum has finished serving his sentence for strangling his wife to death, he will probably start establishing his new church. He will probably start looking for a new spouse as well. That same year, Anthony Bimbo will have served 1 year of his life sentence.

Six Women

Actually the number is 9 women. The News and Observer (Raleigh, NC) covered a story about 6 women who all have been found murdered in Rocky Mount, NC. Another 3 women are missing. I sometimes torture myself and read the comments that people write in response to the online version of the paper. The people who responded to this article surprised me. The comments were smart and on point. Specifically people pointed out how little information the article provided about the women and others questioned why it has taken 6 murders and 3 missing women before this became news. I don't know what you know about Rocky Mount, but I'm here to tell you, it isn't that big. Six murders and 3 missing women is appalling for any town, but especially frightening for a town the size of Rocky Mount. The journalist mentions how some of the women had troubled pasts and that probably is what makes this less newsworthy to the general public. Perhaps the women didn't have awards and plaques hanging on their walls. Maybe they didn't get "yard of the month" in a fancy-pants neighborhood. None of that should matter. It matters that 6 women are dead and 3 more are missing. The murders are all unsolved.

It further galls me to read this article that has absolutely no information on where to call with tips for the police. Don't these women, some of them with "troubled past". deserve as much attention as any other woman from any other neighbhorhood with a shining past?

Here's the link: www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/story/1599226.html