"There is nothing more that we can do."

One year ago, I attended the NC Governor's Crime Commission conference at the Sea Trail Conference Center in Sunset Beach, NC. US Representative Poe from Texas was the keynote speaker on the opening day. He told many stories of his creative sentencing when he was a judge. The crux of his message was that more can always be done to help people.

He emphasized the need for creativity when working with offenders in order to support and help victims of crime.

Victims of domestic vioelnce are frquently told that nothing more can be done. Sometimes they are told that nothing can be done until the abuser commits another crime. Even if the next crime is not a murder, the inherent message to a victim is that they have to make the sacrifice of being hurt again in order for the abuser to be punished or held accountable.

As advocates and allies, we owe it to victims to ask what more can we do? And, what more can we do that does not involve the victim being hurt again?

To answer that question, we need creativity. When we believe that nothing more can be done, often it's because we are only looking at our sanctioned laundry list of services that may or may not match up to the needs of the people we serve.

When our services don't match up with victim's needs, that's our cue to get creative in our solutions and to brainstorm with survivors about what can be done. Then we have to be willing to act on these creative solutions, regardless of the standard list of services we have.

We can move towards saying, "There is more that can be done. Let's find the solution together."

Domestic Violence in the Workplace

From the CAEPV newsletter (Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence):

The November 24, 2008, issue of Fortune magazine contains an article titled "Domestic Violence: Corporate America’s struggle to confront the issue."

Fortune is the first such business magazine to cover the issue in this way, and they are to be congratulated for the time and effort taken to put a human face on this business issue.

Great thanks to the writer, Betsy Morris, for her tireless efforts. Coverage includes CAEPV members Allstate, Liz Claiborne, Safe Horizon, Verizon Wireless, and the Sam Walton School of Business at the University of Arkansas as well as CAEPV board member Dede Bartlett.

Above all, the stories of those who have survived (and not survived) domestic violence are told. The online version of the article will be available the week of November 17.

Creativity

What sparks your creativity? When people are not safe, it's difficult to learn and be creative. For battered women and their children, a constant state of fear and anxiety can hinder coming up with creative solutions to difficult, life-threatening situations. That's where advocates can be so helpful - unless you yourself are not safe and are feeling like your creativity is stifled.

I went to see Dr. Oliver Sacks (the doctor who inspired the movie, Awakenings) at the Friday Center last night with a colleague. Dr. Sacks' talk was about creativity.

Running is one of those wonderful activities that sparks my creativity. Long distance running gives me time to clear my mind and generate ideas for workshops and training. I will have that opportunity tomorrow when I run the Richmond Half Marathon at 7:30am! 13.1 miles! Woo Hoo!

Are you doing something to spark your own creativity?

Child Fatalities

I have been spending the weekend prepping for 2 workshops. Tomorrow I will be presenting a workshop on how non-profits can work with the media in Monroe, NC.

On November 17, I will be presenting an all-day workshop titled, All in the Family: Domestic Violence and Child Abuse sponsored by Child Abuse Prevention Team/Our House of Wilkes County.

Last year, in North Carolina, parents or caregivers murdered 25 children. The number one cause of death was blunt force trauma. All of the children were 6 years old or younger. Source: www.preventchildabusenc.org

National studies consistently report that at least half of adults who abuse their intimate partner also abuse their children. This means abuse above and beyond the emotional trauma of witnessing one parent beat your other parent.

The separation of programs that serve child abuse victims and adult victims of intimate partner violence creates an added barrier to services. Part of the goal of the November 17 workshop is to bring together advocates from a variety of disciplines so that we can build relationships and continue to work together to end all forms of family violence.

Shattered by "Sudden" Violence

I have been following how the media reports on domestic violence homicides for almost 20 years. I still get amazed at the words that get chosen to describe these violent crimes. Two cases in point today in the News and Observer.

The story, "2 years later, a mother's slaying remains unsolved." states "...arrest of Brad Cooper on murder charges in the slaying of his wife, Nancy - the case of another suburban couple with young chidlren and a seemingly bright future shattered by sudden violence."

Sudden violence? That's obnoxious when just a week earlier the N and O quoted Pat Bazemore, the Cary police chief as stating, "It has been a case of domestic violence of the very worst kind." Sudden violence has nothing to do with domestic violence. Domestic violence is a slow, insidious form of violence that an abuser uses in a calculated and cunning way. Sudden has little to do with it.

Then to add to the insult, today's article includes a timeline of the murder of Michelle Young that states, "Her 2-year-old daughter is found unharmed." How could that be? Yes, yes, I know I am supposed to assume they mean physically unharmed - you know, as though physical harm is the only type of harm that has any significance on our lives?

The article states, "...deputies found tiny footprints in blood left by her 2-year-old daughter." She is not unharmed. Let's stop putting blinders on and refusing to see the harm caused to children by witnessing physical violence and homicide. And let's especially not put blinders on when the violence that children witness is violence that is inflicted on one parent by the other one.

Apologies

Survivors of abuse will frequently ask advocates if they should forgive their ex-partner for the abuse. It's a personal choice that people have to decide for themselves.

Are the abusers out there asking an advocate, friend, or counselor this question:
Should I apologize? It's pretty rare for an abuser to acknowledge the pain and suffering that they have inflicted on their families. And many of them are forgiven by partners, children, friends, and family - without any apology or acknowledgement of wrongdoing.

I like to follow Seth Godin's blog. It has absolutely nothing to do with domestic violence - he's just a super-smart and witty marketing guru. Here is a link to his entry about apologies. Gotta love it because it's short, sweet, and to the point.

http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/2123/35136645

Are you in need of apologizing for a transgression or wrong-doing? A great resource for you is the book, The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel.