accusations

A common tactic of abusers is to accuse their partner of the very thing that they are doing. It's a form of abuse called "crazy making."

Why do abusers do that?
They do it to draw attention to their partner and away from themselves. They do it to get others to focus on their partner and not on their abusive, harmful behavior. It allows them to buy time to continue to be abusive and stay under the radar. Undetected, they can continue to be abusive and get away with their harmful behavior.

The trap
When we listen to an abuser's false accusations about their partner and never bother to check the facts or hear the other side of the story, we are allowing the abuser to continue their abusive, maladaptive behavior. This is one of the many ways that people accidentally (and sometimes intentionally) collude with an abuser.

The remedy
An abusive person is not a good source of information on their partner or their former partner. Abusers commonly paint themselves as the victim and paint their partner as an abuser. They rarely own up to their harmful behavior. They portray themselves as a person in need of great sympathy and protection - never taking responsibility for their controlling behaviors. As advocates, it's important to get information directly from an individual about their own behavior. Victims of abuse usually will discuss their own behavior in the relationship, whereas an abuser will usually want to continue focusing on their partner's behavior and talk about all the things their partner has done to them.

Recommended Reading

Beverly Engel is a prolific writer. A colleague of mine recommended her books to me. While researching her books online, I came across her book, Blessings from the Fall: Turning a Fall from Grace into a New Beginning.

This is an excellent, quick-read book filled with examples of real-life people and their recovery from a fall from grace. If you've had the fortune of making it through your life without making any major mistakes, you have my congratulations. If you haven't had that be the case, then I recommend this book. She discusses all types of falls including addictions, bankruptcy, loss of a business, being fired, being arrested, loss of status, etc. and the possibility of a better life that a fall can precipitate.

You can learn more about Beverly Engel at www.beverlyengel.com.

My Whereabouts:
I leave tomorrow for Maryland to give a 2 day workshop to advocates at the Family Crisis Center. I quickly return on Sunday night to unpack and pack so that I can head out on Monday to beautiful Lake Junaluska in the mountains of NC. I will be presenting a unique workshop at the Child Advocacy Centers of NC Conference where I will facilitate a dialog about the overlap of child abuse and domestic violence.

Other trips this month include Charlotte, Sunset Beach, and California. The last one is a vacation trip to finally get to see the giant redwoods in northern California!