History in the Making

I know I haven't written in a while. I've been working on putting curriculum together for a two day workshop in Maryland and I've been watching history in the making at the Democratic National Convention, and now with McCain's historic nomination. Proof that change can happen.

While preparing for my upcoming workshops, I've been doing my typical thing of over-preparing by reading and going to websites. I've been reading about Erin Pizzey who opened the first battered women's refuge in England in 1971. She also wrote the first book on domestic violence, Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear. That's a pretty auspicious beginning.

As I read on my admiration turned to confusion. She has a bizarre concept that there are battered women and then there are women she calls "violence prone." She states that the women she labels as "violence prone" are not battered women. As I read further, the only distinction I could see was that she describes women who return to their partners after a violent episode and give them a second (or third or fourth chance) are "violence prone" and therefore not battered women.

I've worked with victims and survivors since the late 80s and have been in an abusive relationship myself and all I can say is that the distinction of separating out women who return to abusive partners and women who don't is sophisticated victim blaming. (and maybe calling it sophisticated is being generous). If the women who return continue to get battered by their partners, why aren't they battered women? And what do we call a partner who promises to stop the violence, and yet continues to be violent? If she's not a battered woman, is the continuously violent partner suddenly not an abuser. It doesn't even make sense.

All of the women that I have talked to who returned to an abusive partner said one of two things. Some talked of hope and love for a better future after their partners made grandiose promises of no longer being violent and getting help. Other women talked about continued violence, harassment, stalking, and financial ruin to the point that going back looked like the only way to stop the continued violence (until they could come up with a more comprehensive plan to get away).

Intimate relationships are complex and when you add violence to the mix, they are even more confusing. And no relationships shakes down to one person being all bad and one person being all good. But to make the distinction that women who return to an abusive partner are not battered women and soemhow want the abuse is not a distinction that sheds any helpful light on understanding an abusive relationship - and frankly just turns the light out and leaves us in the dark.

True Domestic Violence?

At a recent workshop I asked the participants to share their goals for the day. One person asked me to share the definition of "true domestic violence." That threw me for a loop. I wasn't sure what "fake domestic violence" is or "untrue domestic violence" or whatever is the opposite of "true domestic violence." I got the impression that she was not talking about someone making up a story of domestic violence.

I asked for clarification and the person shared that intake workers (for social services) find out that a husband hit a wife and a wife then pushed her husband and the intake worker labels that domestic violence. She stated that this is frustrating for investigators because it is not "true domestic violence."

As long as we paint domestic violence as a story of one monstrous person always hitting and striking one victim, then we'll have questions and confusion. Domestic violence doesn't measure up like that. Abusers aren't monsters and victims do not sit back and do nothing while their partner beats them up. We owe it to victims of partner violence to understand the dynamics of when an abuser uses violence and if and when a victim uses violence.

Not all victims use violence, but when they do, it is not for the same reasons that an abuser uses violence and it does not yield the same results. You have to be willing to ask in depth questions and find answers that are complicated and may not look the way you thought domestic violence looks, especially if you learned about it in a class or in a book, and not from experience or from working with both survivors and perpetrators.

Back to that one hit and one push couple. I'll have to do my homework and find the study, but I have read before that victims of abuse have experienced physical violence about 9 times before they call the police. Hearing about one hit and one push deserves more investigation. Odds are that much more violence was taking place before protective services was called. One hit and one push does not necessarily mean that you are dealing with two people fighting.

Also, the overlap of child abuse and domestic violence is at least 50%. What is the harm in screening all families for domestic abuse?

About Me
I'll write more about this in another entry. For now, I'm headed to Jackson County, NC for some R&R. I'll be canoeing on the Nantahala River. Remember to take breaks when you need it. The work isn't going away and it will all be there for you when you get back. The break refreshes the mind and restores the heart - especially when you get to be surrounded by nature.

Moore County (NC) is Amazing!

A big thank you to Friend to Friend (Moore County's domestic violence program), Sandhills Community College, Jennifer Currie from the Moore County District Attorney's Office, and Marcelle Quist (Legal Aid of NC) for hosting the domestic violence workshop I facilitated today. I appreciated their wonderful hospitality.

They did a great job getting the community to participate. The audience included law enforcement officers from both the police department and sheriff's office, 4 assistant district attorneys, child protection services staff, mental health professionals, domestic violence advocates, and legal aid. Their district attorney, Maureen Krueger, stopped by and even participated in a role play. Now that's community involvement!

I'm headed out to Greensboro, NC tonight and will be presenting tomorrow morning with Claudia Kearney at the NC DHHS MRS Institute. How's that for alphabet soup! It means: North Carolina Dept. of Health and Human Services Multiple Response System.

Make a Difference - No Matter What Your Passion

Although not an official entrant, Roberta "Bobbi" Gibb became the first woman to run the Boston Marathon in 1966. In 1967, Kathrine Switzer became the first woman to enter and run the Boston Marathon. A race official tried to forcibly remove her from the race. To learn more about her and what happened, go to www.katherineswitzer.com.

In 1972, women were officially allowed to enter the Boston Marathon.

Tonight, I am watching live coverage of the women's Oylmpic Marathon during prime time. It's wonderful and amazing! Although also filled with sadness when Deena Kastor (USA) dropped out within 10 minutes after a foot problem. In 42 years, we went from believing women couldn't and shouldn't run 26.2 miles to having a women's marathon in the Olympics.

It gives me hope of all the other achievements that we can make for everyone. One person can be the catalyst for change. I am grateful for brave women willing to take risks and make a difference for all of us.

Brodie is Back!

It's been a busy week! I've been getting ready for my first workshop offered by Walk in My Shoes.

My colleague, Mike Sexton, public information officer for the Mecklenburg County Community Services Women's Commission, and I are presenting the workshop "Utilizing the Media: Insights for Non-profits". Mandy Locke, reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer, will be a guest speaker.

One lesson that keeps presenting itself to me this past year is learning to express gratitude. I am so grateful to all of my friends and colleagues who helped me put this workshop together and get the word out.

At the workshop, participants will learn about media relations including being a spokesperson for your agency, giving an elevator speech, writing a press release, and building relationships with the media. Finally the participants will have the opportunity to give a mock television interview and watch themselves on camera. Some participants have already expressed their nervousness to me. Completely understandable. It can be intimidating to be in front of a camera talking about the topics that mean the most to you. It is also a way to make an impact on communities, build understanding and garner support for your agency.

I'm very excited about this workshop and look forward to offering it again later this year.

In other Brodie news:
I continued my "blast from the past" weekend and went to see the Cheap Trick, Heart, Journey concert on Sunday night with friends. Love those Wilson sisters! Still singing so well after all these years. And who couldn't love the new singer for Journey. A truly amazing story - catch it on YouTube if you don't already know about Arnel Pineda.

Speaking of singing, my sister's video of the Brodie Family Reunion arrived. And yes, it has each of us singing a capella on the beach at the Second Annual A Capella Night! I sang, Ants Go Marching by the Dave Matthews Band. And yes, I do use the term "singing" loosely! : )

I'm giving 2 more workshops next week and then I'm off to Maryland in early September for a 2-day workshop for a domestic violence agency.

Bad Company

I went to see Bad Company in Raleigh tonight - part of a free outdoor concert series. I do love rock and roll. I enjoyed listening to all the old Bad Co tunes from long ago. It was a great time.

The rock and roll scene has it's light and dark side - just like everything and everyone. I could have done without the sexism from the host radio station DJs. And I've certainly seen and heard a lot worse. The DJs paraded out the "girls" from the station that come to all of their events. The announcement was something to the effect of - guys, we've brought our station girls out for you. In case you are wondering, there was no parade of good looking "boys" for the audience to view. You may be asking, what's the big deal? It's not a big deal - it's part of our culture that includes behaviors that are on a continuum of beliefs and attitudes about women and men that are why the crimes of rape and domestic violence exist. The small things aren't the big deal. The small things deserve our attention to understand the things that are a big deal.

Just some thoughts on the night. It was a perfect night for an outdoor concert and Bad Co delivered some great old rock tunes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHUTf6U4NP4

Doggone It!

I felt like saying that tonight -- right after discovering that my car rolled into my father's car in my parent's driveway. Well, doggone it! My dad was very laid back about the whole situation and made no big deal of it - I love that about my father in his old age!

Other Topics
On a totally different note... do you object when you hear victims being blamed for domestic violence? Do you object when abusers lie and manipulate the system to their advantage? Do you object when abusers hurt people - either with fists or words? What do you do in your everyday life to object to domestic violence? We are all advocates in some way, shape, or form. What are you doing to be an advocate against all forms of oppression, violence, and abuse - no matter who the target is?

A Poem for Today:
They came for the Communists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Communist;
They came for the Socialists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Socialist;
They came for the labor leaders, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a labor leader;
They came for the Jews, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Jew;
Then they came for me - And there was no one left to object.

Martin Niemoller, German Protestant Pastor, 1892-1984

If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Break It Down

If you read books or go online to research information about abusers, you can find a laundry list of traits and characteristics. It really all distills down to 2 traits.

1. Manipulation
Every abuser, no matter what walk of life, will manipulate their partner, children, friends, family, coworkers - anyone in their path. If it will help them get what they want or to get away with abuse, they'll use manipulation.

The ultimate manipulation is the manipulation of the truth. Abusers lie about where they've been, what they've been doing, where they are going, and on and on. They lie about why they act the way they do. Abusers lie to get away with the abusive acts they commit. You know the phrase, "if their lips are moving a lie is coming out"? Well, that's a bit extreme. They are probably telling the truth some of the time. Abusers lie to get what they want, to get away with abuse and to get sympathy for themselves. It's difficult to trust what they are saying because they distort the truth to get their way. Abusers are also amazingly good at sounding believable.

2. Punish and Retaliate
Abusers want to get their way. They want their way all the time and they will go to great lengths to get it, including physical violence, sexual abuse, threats, distortions, coercion, playing the victim, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, withholding money, withholding attention, withholding affection, sulking, mind games, etc. etc. etc.

When a person stands up to an abuser, the abuser will punish that person to dare challenge their authority. The abuser will take it one step further and retaliate. The retaliation might be immediate or it might come later as part of their sadistic punishment system. Sometimes the abuser will punish other people that are near and dear to their partner as a way to combine punishment and retaliation. The most common example is when abusers make attacks - physical or otherwise - on children. Abusers sometimes will make attempts to take children away from their partners as a way to punish and retaliate. They may have no real interest in the children, except to use them as a weapon against their partner. An example is when an abuser keeps a mother from a crying baby - it's the abuser's way of "teaching a lesson" that if she won't pay attention to him, then she won't pay attention to anyone else in the home.

Jealousy and Possessiveness - not the same

Jealousy gets such a bad rap. It's just an emotion - like all the other ones. Happy, sad, mad, glad, frustrated, hurt, love, etc. etc.

What you do with the emotion might be an unhealthy choice, but none of the emotions are good or bad in and of themselves. They are simply part of the human condition.

Jealousy is a normal emotion.
I really don't think I have ever met a person who did not experience the feeling of jealousy at some point in time over something. It might be over someone's car, haircut, or vacation plans. Then there is the jealousy that comes from seeing your partner talking or flirting with someone. I would still categorize that as a normal feeling. Sometimes the person really is seeing their partner do something that is threatening to the integrity of the relationship. Other times, people's insecurities can get in the way of seeing that their partner is not doing anything that is harmful or threatening.

An Example
A person might see their partner talking and laughing with someone at a party and feel a pang of jealousy and wonder why their partner is talking to this other person. That mightbe as far as the emotion goes. Maybe they act on the jealous feelings and they walk over and join in the conversation. When someone is possessive, it might start with the feeling of jealousy, but it escalates into controlling behavior. The possessive person is not going to check out the situation. The possessive person will make assumptions about their partner and who they should and should not talk to at a party.

Possessiveness
The possessive person will be more likely to do something like go to their partner and say it's time to leave the party. Or they might go over to their partner, put their arm around them and forcefully escort them away from the person they are talking to - regardless of being in the middle of a conversation. The very sophisticated abuser will simply strategically place themselves within view and give their partner "the look" that says, stop talking to that person now, unless you want something bad to happen. The scary part about the threatening look is that it combines emotional abuse with "crazy-making" where you begin to think that you are in control of whether or not your partner does something worse to you, when in reality, all abusers are in control of their own behavior.

When Does It Cross the Line?
If your jealousy moves out of the realm of emotions and into the realm of behavior used to control your partner, then it's turning into possessiveness. Possessiveness (in this context) is the idea that you have the right to control your partner's actions because of your jealousy. The possessive person uses feelings of jealousy as an excuse to attempt to control another person's behavior. That is abuse.

Expressing Jealousy
Since it is a normal emotion, it can be expressed in a healthy way. You have a right to express your feelings of jealousy. You have a right to have the emotion. You have the right to let your parnter know how certain behaviors make you feel. You don't have the right to control what your partner does and does not do. A healthy, respectful partner will honor your feelings and be open to a dialog about jealousy. A healthy partner will not use your jealousy as a weapon or tool to emotionally abuse you and criticize you, or make you second guess yourself. If your jealousy is unfounded and is pre-occupying all of your time and thoughts, then that's a separate issue that you have to address for yourself because it could be harming an otherwise healthy relationship.

Final Thought
Think about your own feelings of jealousy. It's within your power to monitor your own emotions and behaviors. I'ts up to you to not let your jealousy turn to controlling, possessive and sometimes abusive behaviors and it's up to you to look at your jealousy and not let it control and run your own life.