How Is Your Picker?

Throughout the years I have heard many women who have survived being with a violent partner tell me that well-meaning people have asked them, "Why do you pick violent men?"

Interesting question.
Have you ever in your life heard anyone tell you about a new person that they are dating and describe the person as violent, mean, hateful, abusive, or as a rapist?

Women don't pick violent partners. They pick people who appear to be nice, fun, attractive, interesting, edgy, funny, etc., etc.

Abusive people do not act violent when you first meet them. And when you first meet them and ask typical "get to know you questions", they don't say things like, "Well, when I don't get my way, I get violent. If you don't do what I say, I'll make sure you pay for it by abusing you and forcing you to do what I think you should do. If you try to leave me, I'll manipulate you, stalk you, and threaten you."

If only it were so simple.

People do give hints and signs as to what type of partner they will be. And any of us may or may not pick up on those signs for any number or reasons.

Just a few examples of why we sometimes miss the signs that someone may not be a good partner for us:
1. we are so taken by their charm that we miss the other signs they are giving.
2. we so want to be in a relationship that we miss the signs of the person potentially being an abuser.
3. the person is so good at hiding any signs of being an abuser, there is nothing for us to pick up on.
4. we may be living in our own fog because of our learning from childhood, culture, past relationships, alcohol, drugs, or mental illness and thus miss any signs that the person is a potential abuser.
5. we may see the signs of abuse, but we've been trained through our experiences and culture to not trust our judgments. Many a woman can tell you stories of turning to friends and family to check their judgment and they are told, "Don't be so hard on him. You're not giving him a chance. That doesn't sound so bad to me." - things of that ilk.
5. our culture has sent so many mixed messages about what is healthy and what is not, that we aren't clear on what is a red flag and what isn't. Example: persistence is seen as a good thing - until it's like a stalker - but where is the line? Or jealousy. It's often touted as a positive sign in a relationship, but, first of all, is it positive? And second of all, if it is positive, where does jealousy cross over and become possessiveness - which is never positive.

Something We Don't Talk About

I have been following the news about Lynn Paddock's trial in the News and Observer for the past few days. Ms. Paddock is on trial for first degree murder of her son, Sean.

When we read stories about a mother tormenting, torturing, and ultimately killing her child, we are shocked and appalled. We search for answers and understanding. Many times the stories of mothers abusing and killing their children receive more indepth press coverage than fathers who murder their children. It's because of the unexpected. It's our society's view that a mother will always nurture and care for children. We don't always have that same view or expectation of fathers.

It's unnerving to read about a mother like Lynn Paddock and her murder trial. The stories of her parenting fly in the face of what our society wants to believe about women and mothers. We have to be willing to see women and mothers for all of their possibilities; we have to be willing to see their full spectrum of behaviors. It's a disservice to children to see any parent as all good or all bad.

It's important that we not make a bigger example of her or any mother and not punish more harshly, more severly simply because of her gender. The punishment needs to be based on the crime, regardless of gender.

Something that I notice in these articles about Ms. Paddock is that no excuses are offered up to explain her bahavior. Her behavior is described: "binding him in blankets", "lashings with plastic plumbing pipe, meals deprived and mouths taped shut to keep them from talking to each other."

When I read articles about an abuser murdering an intimate partner, excuses are almost always offered as explanations of the homicide. The excuses are usually mental illness, alcohol or drugs, or a snap decision in the heat of the moment (which usually takes away the possibility of a first degree murder charge).

No excuse in the world exists for murdering a child or an intimate partner.

You can read more at http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/paddock/story/1087537.html

Give A Hoot - Don't Pollute

Meaning: don't pollute the issue of domestic violence with ridiculous explanations.

I thought I'd heard it all last year when I read an article about a man in TX who murdered his ex-girlfriend, her new boyfriend, and 3 other people and the family blamed it on a rattlesnake bite.

But, alas, a new story has emerged that gets the new "crazy animal excuse" award. A neighbor of Mike Peterson is positing that an owl attacked Kathleen Peterson and that is how she died in 2001 in Durham, NC. Nevermind that Mike Peterson was found guilty of murder and is serving a life sentence, and the NC Court of Appeals ruled the trial fair, and the NC Supreme Court upheld the conviction.

And most of all, what an insult to the surviving family members of Kathleen Peterson. That's the main thing that keeps me from laughing at this ridiculous hypothesis. Read the full story here:

http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/peterson/story/1085443.html

I Can Get Behind That

I came across a non-profit today that I can really get behind. It's called Soles4Souls. They donate gently used or new shoes to people around the globe, including women and children in battered women's shelters, who need shoes. This is a great idea. Runners tend to have lots of running shoes since we change our running shoes out every 3 months or 300-500 miles.

One aspect that I love about running is that it's a great way to clear the mind and get focused. I also get great training ideas while running. I plan to donate my used running shoes to this cause. It combines two things that my heart is into doing - running and helping others in need. Here's some more information about the good work of Soles4Souls:

National Barefoot Week
Soles4Souls, the international footwear charity based in Nashville, has unveiled plans for a series of nationwide events to be held June 1-7, 2008. "National Barefoot Day" will take place on Sunday, June 1, with various events across the country scheduled for the rest of the week, which will be known as Barefoot Week, and will be held each year during the first week of June. During this year's Barefoot Week, the charity will also donate more than 325,000 pairs of new shoes to needy people in five cities: New Orleans, Atlanta, Miami, Detroit, and Taylor, Arizona (Indian Reservation).

If you live in the Triangle area and want to donate shoes, The Athlete's Foot in Raleigh is an official drop-off site for Souls4Soles - all year long.

Sharing Your Joy

I was on a conference call yesterday with two colleagues, JAC Patrissi and Lundy Bancroft, and we started our work by sharing something positive in our lives. After I shared my positive experience, JAC asked me how I was going to celebrate. I was caught off guard. I hadn't thought about it. Later in the day, I made celebration plans with my niece, Ashley. We decided to have a double celebration dinner to celebrate my good news (that will be in a future blog) and to celebrate her return from France. We cooked a fabulous meal and had a glass of champagne from a bottle she brought back from a small biodiversity vinyard in France. It was wonderful to take time to celebrate each other's life.

Starting a dialog with sharing something positive is a co-counseling technique that I learned at the retreat that I went to several weeks ago in Massachussetts.
Some things I've noticed by doing this:
1. Taking a moment to start a meeting, conference call, support group, or counseling session with sharing something positive can open the door to more positive experiences.
2. If you are working with battered women or rape survivors, it's a way to remember that in the midst of pain and suffering, there still are some bright moments.
3. Sharing something positive can make it a little bit easier to share more difficult information.
4. Sharing our positive experiences is a way to have mini-celebrations of our lives and it's a way to share the joy going on in other people's lives.

Parting Ways

I went back out to Nash county yesterday to assist with the second day of the "Healing and Art" workshop with survivors of interpersonal violence. The women worked with photographer, Ashley Florence, to review and print out self portraits that they took the day before. They also finished decorating their boxes for the Hidden Voices project, Speaking without Tongues.

To close the two day workshop, we formed a circle and gave appreciations to each other for special things we noticed over the two days. Then I read a quote from a fabulous little book that I found at the book store last week. I found 3 books that I wanted all in a row on the same shelf - it was quite propitious. This book is titled, the goodbye book/we'll always be friends. It does not have an author listed as it is a book of quotes, commentaries, and blank lines to write about special moments with special friends.

The Quote by A. A. Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh)
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."

Healing and Art

Yesterday, I went to Nashville, NC, with Lynden Harris, executive director of Hidden Voices, to co-facilitate a weekend retreat for survivors of interpersonal violence. We return today for the second half of the retreat. The participants have agreed to share their stories and make artwork that will be part of the Speaking without Tongues project.

Spending time with the women yesterday was so powerful. They are women with amazing strength and courage. They are finding their voice and learning to find the space to live the life they want and deserve.


Today, they will be desiging boxes that will be expressions of the pain they have experienced and the healing that they have found. The women will also be using photography as a way to document who they are and who they are becoming as they continue on a journey of healing.

A wonderful artist is assisting with the box making project. Tracey Broome, a potter from Chatham county is helping with women design the boxes - they are being created out of cigar boxes.

I am always grateful and honored to spend time with survivors who are wiling to share parts of their life stories. I become stronger by being a part of their lives.

Sweet Ben

My dear neighbor, Ben Bowling, passed away on Monday, May 12, 2008. Even though Ben was 88 years old, he would still get on the roof to blow leaves off and he kept a beautiful yard. Ben and I had many a conversation in the street between our houses. Ben always had kind words to say about his wife of 64 years, Ms. Ann Bowling. He also liked to walk his dog, E.C. Ben loved that little dog - no matter how much he fussed about him. In the summertime, Ben and I liked to compare our tomato plants and we usually swapped tomatoes. When neither of us were having any luck, we'd go to the Farmer's Market (unbeknownst to the other) and leave each other tomatoes in our carports. If I ever was gone on a business trip, Ben would take my trash cans and recycling down to the curb and bring them back up. If you've seen or had the misfortune of driving up my driveway, you know this is no small feat! He was a sweet man and a wonderful neighbor. He was always kind-hearted to me. I know he sometimes didn't know what to think of how hard I would work in the yard, but I always felt like he respected that I'd get out there and tackle any vine, weed, or stump.

Ben was a modest man, but he was still mayor of my street. I surely will miss him. He was like a grandfather to me.

Special Performance May 16th

Do you have plans for Friday night? Do you live in or near the Triangle area? Well, come on out to the ArtsCenter in Carrboro for a night of entertainment to benefit a project of Hidden Voices.

The benefit is for a new project, Speaking without Tongues, that will be performed in October, 2008 at NCCU, Duke, and UNC - to name a few venues - for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Tonight's event is $30.00 and will help fund Speaking without Tongues, a performance that features the stories of survivors of interpersonal violence from many different cultures. Come out and have fun, be entertained, and support a good cause.

Learn more at www.hiddenvoices.org.

Hope to see you there!

Special Thanks

I went to Boone, NC last week to present workshops on domestic violence with Sgt. John Guard, Pitt County Sheriff's Office Domestic Violence Unit.

A special thanks to Aaron Lincoln, head of the Watauga County Sheriff's Office Domestic Violence Unit and all of the staff of Oasis. The two agencies collaborated to co-sponsor the workshops for their community. Both agencies were wonderful hosts.

We had lively discussion and the feedback was very positive.

One participant wrote, "This workshop is excellent and I would recommend it to all law enforcement."

Corporal Punishment

When I was a child I had an extremely hard time sitting still and being quiet in a classroom. One day in second grade, I decided that I wanted to see what was going on outside. Some big hole was being dug up in the school yard and I wanted to know what was happening. I convinced a friend to run out of the classroom with me to look and run back. By the time we got back, someone had told the teacher. The teacher took the little girl and I to the bathroom connected to the classroom and made each of us bend over the sink and she paddled us each 3 times with a large wooden paddle. It was an awful and humiliating experience. We could hear the other students laugh at each smack of the paddle. It was also humiliating because I had talked this other girl into going outside with me. I felt responsible for her being punished. It was an awful experience and even today, it's unpleasant to remember.

I wish that was the last time that I had been paddled in public school, but I got paddled again in Junior High School. This time it was for running in the school office. I still didn't like sitting still! And I still don't like sitting still for long to this day - and thank goodness I don't have anyone telling me that I can't get up when I want to, be curious when I want to, and go running when I want t0 - since running is one of my favorite things to do - other than training on domestic violence. This particular assistant principal seemed particularly sadistic. (I don't think too highly of the second grade teacher who struck me either). He made me bend over a chair and he would raise the paddle within eye-sight, but then he would not strike until he saw you let your guard down. Then he would strike.

It's probably not difficult to guess that I'm not in support of corporal punishment in schools.

Here is an interesting piece of information about corporal punishment in NC schools from the Prevent Child Abuse NC website:

Fact or Fiction: Corporal Punishment in North Carolina Public Schools
Action for Children and students at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill's School of Social Work completed a survey of corporal punishment policies from all 115 local school districts in the state. The issue brief presents an analysis of those policies.
Findings include:
• Sixty local districts still permit corporal punishment.
• Fifty-five local districts ban it, and this number grows each year.
• Virtually all the most populous school districts have banned corporal punishment, so between 70-80% of public school students are not subject to corporal punishment.

For more information go to http://clicks.skem1.com/v/?u=4fd1c8b10653d856a82faef5a50d0744&g=420&c=373&p=0fdc70a1113f467132319a40a048d721&t=1

Grief and Healing Part Two

When a person commits acts of violence against another person, it's not uncommon for the victim to have feelings of leaving the body. It's a feeling experienced by survivors of incest, rape, child abuse, child sexual abuse, and interpersonal violence. Getting back into the body is one way to start healing some of the pain, grief, and suffering that comes with having a loved one hurt you.

If you have not experienced this feeling of being out of the body, it's a feeling of floating away from yourself - where it feels like you are looking at yourself from the outside. It's a way to numb out from extreme pain. The idea of getting back into the body is frightening for many survivors. It's the place where the harm took place. It can feel like an unsafe place. An article in yesterday's News and Observer (Raleigh, NC), includes information from a rape survivor describing this feeling. http://www.newsobserver.com/news/crime_safety/dail/story/1063876.html

We often believe that our memories only dwell somewhere in our brains. The trigger for memories dwells everywhere within us. I recently was shaking hands with a woman whose hands felt so much like my materal grandmother's hands. It flooded me with memories of holding her hands.

Finding a safe way to work on the painful memories in our bodies can bring healing in our lives. It can also return our bodies to us. The body can become a safe place to live again.

Grief and Healing Part One

I recently was talking to a very dear friend about grief. I asked her about getting in her body to get in touch with her pain and heal from the grief. Our pain does not dwell just in our thoughts and minds, it also dwells in our bodies. She said that she didn't want to go there. She asked me why would anyone want to wallow around in their pain.

Going there
Going to the place of pain is not a masochist's trip. Going to the place of the pain is also going to the place of healing. It would be pointless to simply wallow around in our painful places. Getting in touch with our pain and suffering is a way to let it out and let it go.

Release
When we don't deal with our pain, it ends up coming out in all sorts of unhealthy ways. Sometimes it seeps out like a small leak in a tire. Other times it is like a plugged up drain where old, nasty water bubbles up. It reminds me of a scene in an amazing movie, Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away (see the scene here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyC47l3LpOE&feature=related). You can learn more about the symbolism by watching the extras on the DVD. It's about a polluted river in Japan.

Book Recommendation

At the recommendation of a colleague in western North Carolina, I read the book Tragedy in Tin Can Holler by Rozetta Mowery. Ms. Mowery covers 4 generations of her family history including stories of domestic violence, incest, and murder. The stories are heart-breaking and horrific. Ms. Mowery made an amazing effort to uncover information about her family, including her father's murder of her mother and the subsequent impact on each of the children. The book provides a first-hand, personal account of the impact of domestic violence on families. Although the book is filled with painful stories of the aftermath left behind by a violent father, the book also recounts the resiliency of some of the siblings to overcome the suffering of having a father who murdered their mother, the frustration of being raised in foster homes and group homes, and the difficulty of being abused by many other people in their adult lives. You can learn more about Ms. Mowery, her siblings and the documentary being made from the book at www.tradedyintincanholler.com.

Are You Surviving or Thriving?

I'm back from the Co-counseling Retreat that I went to this weekend facilitated by Lundy Bancroft. It was an amazing, powerful weekend.

Two Questions
Are you surviving or thriving?
A good friend of mine who survived a violent relationship talks about how she wants to thrive in life - not just survive. To move beyond survival, I believe we have to work on healing our wounds. Healing is a way to create space in our minds and hearts. The new space provides the opportunity for fresh, new, healthy ideas and feelings. For me, it's the place where hope springs up again. Hope for new relationships, new connections, and a renewal of inner power, courage, and strength.

Do you have space?
To get to thriving or living life fully, it means that some junk and clutter has to be moved out. If you have survived a battering relationship, the clutter can be any number of forms.
It might be the tape recorder of the abuser's voice telling you how awful you are.
It might be immense anger and rage about past hurts. (This is not a judgment about anger. It's about looking at what role the anger is playing in your life - is it useful or is it clutter? Has it served it's purpose and it's time to say goodbye to the anger associated with specific events?)
It might be loss of trust that new and good relationships are possible and probable.
I'm sure you can think of others.

Healing is a way to make space for new and good to come into your life. Healing is making way for the thriver in you.

Willie Nelson

I'm on the road again - or I will be this afternoon. I am going to a retreat hosted by Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, The Batterer as Parent, and When Dad Hurts Mom. If you work with survivors or perpetrators, then his books are a must read. If you are a survivor, his books are a must read - especially if you have children. Check out his newly re-designed website - www.lundybancroft.com. It's a wealth of information!

The retreat is about Cooperative Therapy, a technique created by Bancroft. You can learn more at his website by going to http://www.lundybancroft.com/cooperative-therapy.html.

I'll be back to writing on Sunday. Be good to your loved ones this weekend! And everyone else too!

Juxtaposition

Yesterday, I wrote about Ms. McDonald, whose ex-boyfriend is charged with her murder. The article posted on http://www.wral.com/ has the headline: Woman fatally shot outside textile plant; suspect caught.

Today, in the News and Observer (Raleigh, NC), there is an article with the title: Abused Afghan women often wind up in jail, with the subtitle: Women who flee domestic violence are imprisoned as adulterers.

Now, here is the thing. When a woman is murdered in the state of North Carolina and the prime suspect being held without bond is the woman's ex-boyfriend, the headline and the article never use the words domestic violence. The headline doesn't even allow you to see that her past intimate partner is involved. From just reading the headline, one may even think it was a disgruntled employee or something random.

When the News and Observer has an article about women in another country, the words "abused" and "domestic violence" show up, not only in the article, but in the headline. Is this purely accidental or is this a commentary on our community and culture? We will call it abuse and domestic violence when it's in another country, but when it's in the U.S., we suddently start talking about alcohol, drugs, mental illness, a bad childhood, crime of passion, snapped, and jealous rages - just to name a few of the "explanations" that I have seen offered up through the years in articles about a domestic violence homicide. And we have headlines that talk about a "suspect" instead of headlines that say: Ex-boyfriend arrested for murder of girlfriend.


I'd like to believe it's random, but I'm not buying it. Why? Because I have been reading articles about domestic violence since I moved to NC in 1990. It's a pattern. We talk about battered women being caught in cycles and patterns of abuse? Let's take a look at our own pattern of not calling a domestic violence homicide a domestic violence homicide.