Who's Picking Up the Bill for Rape Evidence Collection Kits

North Carolina has engaged in important dialog about the need for the state to pay the entire bill for rape evidence collection kits. Before the first story in the Raleigh, NC, newspaper, the News and Observer, most people were not aware that a survivor, or her insurance, may get a bill for part of the fees for a rape evidence collection kit.

After the first story ran, Secretary Bryan Beatty, of the NC Department of Crime Control and Public Safety, lifted the $1000 cap on funds used to pay for evidence collection kits. The average kit costs about $1600, according to the News and Observer (http://www.newsobserver.com/).

Juliette Grimmett, legislative chair and campus representative on the board of directors of the North Carolina Coalition Against Sexual Assault, wrote the following op-ed piece that was published today in the News and Observer to shine more light on the need for the NC legislature to remove any and all burden of paying for a rape evidence collection kit from rape survivors.

To read Ms. Grimmett's op-ed article, use the following link:

http://www.newsobserver.com/opinion/columns/story/968275.html

April Is Child Abuse Prevention Month

The overlap of child abuse and domestic violence is well-documented. If you are an advocate who works with survivors of intimate partner violence, it is important to learn about child abuse and to network with agencies that are devoted to addressing intervention and prevention of child abuse.

North Carolina has a fabulous organization, Prevent Child Abuse NC, that provides training, awareness materials, a statewide conference, a resource library and many other products and services related to child abuse.

You can learn more about Prevent Child Abuse NC at www.preventchidlabusenc.org. If you are planning an event for Child Abuse Prevention Month, you definitely want to visit their website where you will find downloadable materials for your community public awareness events including:

• April Proclamation
• Ideas for Blue Ribbon Activities
• Statistics and information on child abuse in North Carolina
• Parenting Pages

In North Carolina, the tagline this year is: When Families are Fine, Communities Shine!

Deal Breaker

I presented a workshop at NC State University today to students in a peer education class. We discussed healthy relationships and interpersonal violence.

One of our discussions centered around deal breakers and several students shared what would break the deal for them in an intimate relationship. The deal breakers included: having a different political point of view, believing you are better than other people, cheating, being violent, and many others.

Have you thought about what your deal breakers are? Are you being true to yourself or are you in a relationship with someone who is behaving outside of the behaviors that you find acceptable?

Upcoming Conference - you don't want to miss it!

UNC Horizons Program presents

The Fifth Annual Conference

Breaking the Bonds of Addiction and Trauma:

Implications and Treatment for Women and Their Children

April 17, 2008

8:00am to 4:30pm

The Friday Center

Chapel Hill, NC

For the low price of $65.00, you will be able to hear 2 national experts and attend 2 breakout sessions in the morning and afternoon. Lunch is also provided as well.

National presenters:
Norma Finkelstien, Ph. D.
Morning Keynote: Trauma-informed Gender Responsive Treatment for Substance Abusing Women and Their Families.

Dr. Finkelstein is a renowned clinician, author and speaker on gender-specific treatment for women with substance abuse issues and their families.

Dan Allender, Ph.D.
Afternoon Keynote: Trauma, Addcition and Spirituality

Dr. Allender travels and speaks extensively to present his unique tperspective on sexual abuse recover, love, and forgiveness, workshop and other related topics.

__________________________

If you do any work related to victims or perpetrators of domestic violence, then it is imperative that you learn about substance abuse as well. The overlap is tremendous. The statistics vary as to the co-occurance of domestic violence and substance abuse. And it's important to know that substance abuse is not a cause of domestic violence. Oftentimes, survivors have said to me that being with an abuser who also uses alcohol or drugs is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

I will be presenting a breakout session at this conference titled: The Impact of Violence and Substance Abuse on Families.

If you live in or near North Carolina, and want to learn more about substance abuse, I encourage you to attend this conference . It is sponsored by University of North Carolina School of Medicine, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, UNC Horizons program. I hope to see you there.

For more information go to www.med.unc/obgyn/horizons

Friday Night at the Magistrate

The Story Unfolds
When I give domestic violence presentations, I make a point of letting the audience know that they can ask their questions throughout the workshop instead of having a Q/A section at the end. I like workshops where there is time for dialog and participation. It helps to have a handle on how much the audience is learning and absorbing. It also is helpful to know if you are on the same page or not.

On more than one occasion in a workshop, a participant has commented that victims of abuse go to the magistrate on Friday night to get a warrant for the arrest of their partner. The participant then goes on to say that the person is getting the warrant so that they can get their partner out of the house for the weekend and then have their lover can come spend the weekend with them.

This is amazing to me as a trainer because it's such an elaborate explanation. The logic has more holes in it than a sieve. It's helpful to probe this further with the audience so that they can go through the steps and see what a strange explanation this is.

The Steps
First, one has to go to the magistrate on Friday night stating that some sort of illegal abuse has occurred. The magistrate has to believe you in order to issue the warrant. Most magistrates are looking for some sort of proof or evidence. They want to know if the police were called or if there were witnesses. They want to know if there are any marks or injuries. When I asked about this at one workshop, the particpant said that women hit themselves to make marks so that the magistrate will issue the warrant.

The magistrate issues a warrant and a law enforcement officer is sent out to make an arrest. The idea is that the person will spend the entire weekend in jail because there is no sitting judge to have a bond hearing. The bond hearing can't take place until Monday morning.

Now, the person making the report to the magistrate is free to do as they please all weekend long now that their partner is out of the house. According to this theory, the person parties all weekend long with their lover never having to worry about their partner who is locked up.

Monday Morning
What happens on Monday morning in this scenario? Does the lover leave only to wait for the next weekend? Does the partner post bond, get out and come home and the couple resumes their life? This is really odd. Are the magistrate and the two lovers the only ones who know what's going on? What is this partner who sat in jail for two days thinking? It's hard to believe that the couple just picks up where they left off on Friday until the next weekend or next time the person decides they need their partner out of the house for the weekend.

Amazing Lengths
This scenario is so far-fetched. And yet, I hear this all over the state of NC in many workshops. This is the lengths that we'll go to so that we don't have to believe battered women. For people who buy into this, it's more reasonable to believe that people make up elaborate abuse stories and then beat themselves to get partners out of the house for a weekend than to believe they have been abused. That scheme is more believable than thinking that an abuser got off work at 5pm on Friday, came home and started abusing their partner, who then went to the place they are encouraged to go to for help.

The Fallout
The story, or perhaps it could be called an urban legend/rural myth, helps keep the focus on victims and portrays them as liars who abuse the system. It keeps the focus off of abusers and their behavior. The story justifies our doing nothing. It justifies not believing victims. It paints victims as imaginary - a group of people not to be trusted. For the sake of being inclusive, I have left gender out so far, but let's get real. It's mostly women who are the brunt of this bad joke. It's mostly women who are the victims of domestic violence who are coming to the system for help - and what are we giving them? Disbelief and anger at them for "abusing" the system. When we refuse to believe battered women and offer them the help that they need to be safe, we are the ones who are abusing the system.

That Takes Ovaries!

Last night I attended an event sponsored by the Duke Women's Center that featured Rivka Solomon. She is the editor of the book, That Takes Ovaries! Bold Females and Their Brazen Acts. Several women from Duke University and NC Central University read excerpts from the book and then women in the audience were invited to tell stories of their bold acts. Men were also asked to tell stories of bold acts of women in their lives.

It was an inspiring evening filled with wonderful stories of courageous acts both large and small. Each person who spoke was given a golden ovary (a chocolate truffle wrapped in gold paper) for sharing their brave stories. I shared a story about my sister, Michelle, and one of her many brave acts. (More on that later - I'll have to check with her first to see if she minds if I tell the story here.)

To learn more about the book or how to host an open mike event, go to http://www.thattakesovaries.org/.

The Importance of Having Fun

Are you taking breaks? If your work or volunteerism involves violence prevention, it's so important to take a break and get involved with activities that are not related to violence. I recently took a Chinese cooking class at Lan's Cooking School in Durham, NC. In addition to being great fun, I learned some great recipes and met some very nice people - including Lan. She taught us about cooking and Chinese culture. She also told us about a great Chinese grocery store in Cary, NC, that I went to this week and found some great deals on some of the essentials for Chinese cooking.

Remember to take care of yourself. Secondary trauma, or vicarious trauma, is a real concern for advocates. Getting involved in other activities that are not related to violence prevention is a way to keep balance in your life. It's a way to remember all the wonderful things that life has to offer that have nothing to do with violence.

What will you do this week to give yourself a break from the intense work of violence prevention?

Here are five fun ideas:

1. sign up for a cooking class - there are lots of choices. You can sometimes find demonstration classes that are only one night if you are short on time or you can take longer classes.
2. go outside! Walk, run, cycle, clean up your yard, help a neighbor in the yard - it may be freezing where you are - so bundle up! I'm in NC and the weather has been fantastic to be outside - not too hot, not too cold.
3. visit with friends - laugh and joke and have fun!
4. watch a comedian. I just watched Mike Birbiglia on tape. You can visit his website at http://www.birbigs.com/. Don't have time to watch a whole show? Go to http://www.youtube.com/ and search for your favorite comedian. The odds are that they will be there. You can also find great skits for Saturday Night Live, if that's your thing. You get the picture - if you like it and find it funny, it's probably on http://www.youtube.com/.
5. go to a museum - again - lots to choose from. I went to the NC Museum of Natural Science today (http://www.naturalsciences.org/). Four floors of fun! To make it even better - take children with you! I did and it made it all the more fun.

Where is the purple blender?

October is what?
Within a month or so, domestic violence organizations across the US will start preparing for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October).

People who do not work for shelters, crisis centers, and government agencies probably don’t know that October is domestic violence awareness month or that purple is the recognized color for domestic violence awareness. We don’t see purple yogurt containers, purple cereal, or purple blenders. Last year, I didn’t see a single purple blender.

The awareness events that I have attended and planned throughout the years seem to have the proverbial “preaching to the choir” audience. To overcome this phenomenon, we have to overcome the image of what it means to promote awareness of domestic violence.

Who has a good awareness model?
Breast cancer awareness is phenomenal. Breast cancer went from being a secret no one would discuss to being represented by pink everything. Breast cancer awareness is about fighting a disease. With domestic violence, advocates are seen as fighting a person, the abuser. Building support behind seeing an abuser as a problem is difficult. People have an easier time agreeing that a cancer causing cell is bad. Everyone can agree that cancer cells need to be eliminated. Everyone cannot agree that abusers are the root cause of domestic violence and that their behavior needs to be eliminated.

No merit badges
If a person attends a breast cancer awareness event, they are not automatically viewed as a survivor of breast cancer. The person is probably seen as an ally, advocate, and supporter of ending breast cancer. If the person is a survivor of breast cancer, they are to be applauded and praised. People honor what breast cancer survivors have experienced.

If a person attends a domestic violence awareness event, they often worry that others are going to see them as a victim of abuse. Survivors of abuse are not applauded and praised in our communities. Frequently they are considered stupid or weak. People often wonder about their sanity, why they would pick an abuser or stay with an abuser. There are no merit badges for victims of abuse.

Symbolism
If a person wears a pink ribbon, they are automatically recognized as a supporter of ending breast cancer. I wear a purple ribbon in October and only people in the battered women’s movement know what the ribbon means. It is not a commonly recognized symbol. A symbol only serves its purpose if people recognize it. Everyone knows that a red octagon means to stop your car. Since so few people know what the purple ribbon stands for, it is virtually meaningless.

Purple blenders
As a movement, we are a long way from a purple blender. We’ll know we’ve reached the pinnacle of awareness when a corporation wants to market a purple blender to raise money for domestic violence intervention and prevention.

St. Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is usually associated with romantic love, but today, I want to write about my love of running. It's a great stress reliever. I enjoy being in the great outdoors and having time alone to think and process. I also like to run long runs on the weekend with my running partner. We've been running together for over 5 years. It's a great time to chat and not focus on the long miles. Running helps you feel better and sleep better. It burns lots of calories and builds strong bones and muscles. It also doesn't cost a lot of money as sports go. A good pair of running shoes, socks, some shorts, a shirt and you're ready to go. It's awesome that I can go running directly from my front door. I also like to go running on trails too. Raleigh-Durham has a lot of nice places to go running where cars are not a worry.

If you work in the battered women's movement and you are stressed out, running is a great way to get centered and re-focus. I highly recommend running as part of a regimen to innoculate yourself against stress. Take a look at these motivational quotes about running that I found while surfing the internet one evening. They just as easily could apply to crisis counseling with battered women and rape survivors.

10 Awesome Motivational Quotes for Runners from www.about.com
Here is the complete link:
http://running.about.com/od/getmotivated/tp/toptenquotes.htm?terms=running+motivational%20quotes


1. No one said it was going to be easy.
"Running is real and relatively simple - but it ain't easy." -Mark Will-Weber
2. It is going to take guts.
"Most people run a race to see who is fastest. I run a race to see who has the most guts." - Steve Prefontaine
3. You have to be tough.
"Your toughness is made up of equal parts persistence and experience. You don't so much outrun your opponents as outlast and outsmart them, and the toughest opponent of all is the one inside your head." - Joe Henderson
4. Your biggest opponent is yourself.
"You don’t run against a bloody stop watch, do you hear? A runner runs against himself, against the best that’s in him. Not against a dead thing of wheels and pulleys. That’s the way to be great, running against yourself. Against all the rotten mess in the world. Against God, if you’re good enough." - Bill Persons
5. You have to learn to see the beauty in it.
"I always loved running...it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs." - Jesse Owens
6. You have to be strong.
"Running is a big question mark that’s there each and every day. It asks you, ‘Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'" - Peter Maher
7. You have to give it your all.
"Those who say that I will lose and am finished will have to run over my body to beat me." - Said Aouita
8. You have to want it.
"A runners creed: I will win; if I cannot win, I shall be second; if I cannot be second, I shall be third; if I cannot place at all, I shall still do my best." - Ken Doherty
9. You are not alone.
"You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement." - Steve Prefontaine
10. You can do it.
"If one can stick to the training throughout the many long years, then will power is no longer a problem. It's raining? That doesn't matter. I am tired? That's besides the point. It's simply that I just have to." - Emil Zatopek
Created: June 21, 2007

Adding Insult to Injury

Before an article in today's Raleigh (NC) News and Observer, most people probably did not know that in North Carolina rape victims who go to the hospital for a rape evidence collection kit are sometimes sent a bill. For the full story, go to this link:
http://www.newsobserver.com/1565/story/942231.html

News stories like this can facilitate important changes to laws that protect victims of crime from further suffering.

Beyond the Vigil

The Domestic Violence Vigil
If you have worked in the battered women's movement for more than 1 month, then you probably have attended a vigil, a march, a take back the night event, or a rally. I've never actually counted, but in addition to planning and organizing quite a few, I have also attended many of them as well.

Preaching to the Choir
The vigils often feel like a family reunion because people who are already working and volunteering in the movement are who usually attend. After the vigil is over, planners will sit back and wonder if they accomplished what they set out to do - raise awareness about domestic violence.

Getting the Most Out of the Vigil
As a planner, it's important to get good media coverage at a vigil. That's how you reach more people than your inner circle of advocates who are already on board and understand the crime. A well-planned vigil has all the elements that make a good local news story:

• Focus is on a human interest story
• Good visuals: candles, posters, pamphlets, many people gathered
• Speakers include survivors who can talk about personal experience
• Experts on domestic violence are available to explain the event

Beyond the Vigil
The cameras are packed up and the last candle is collected so that it can be recycled for the next vigil. Now what? It's not enough to simply attend the vigil or watch the coverage on local news that night. Communities need to get involved beyond the vigil. Here are some ways to act beyond the vigil:

• Learn more about your local domestic violence or rape crisis program
• Make a donation to the programs in your county
• Become a volunteer
• Talk about the vigil that you attended the next day at work and other places
• Do an internet search on domestic and sexual violence to learn more
• Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper about domestic and sexual violence
• Become a more savvy consumer of news about domestic and sexual violence
• Talk to your children about healthy relationships
• Mentor a child
• Find out if your children's schools teach violence prevention classes and if they don't, recommend that they do
• When it's time to vote, find out where politicians and judges stand on the issue of domestic and sexual violence

Do Something

I enjoy reading the News and Observer (Raleigh, NC's newspaper). I read for pleasure and scan for articles about domestic violence that invariably are in the paper on a weekly basis.

I recently read an article about Dorothy Cloud. She was one of four African American students to integrate the Charlotte, NC public school system in 1957. The accompanying photo showed her walking towards the school and she was surrounded by about 100 white students. Most of the white students were smiling. Ms. Cloud looked dignified as she stood tall and walked towards the school.

The Charlotte Observer interviewed several of the people who were in the photograph. Some shared feelings of shame for their behavior half a century ago. Some told of adults yelling at them to spit on the young woman trying to go to school. The photo is a moment stopped in time. It’s a moment in American history, and specifically southern history, that most of us are not proud of.

When I give presentations about domestic violence I usually tell audiences that I have great hopes for seeing domestic violence end. I have great hope because of stories like the one about Dorothy Cloud. America still struggles with racism, but we certainly are not where we were 50 years ago. If we have progressed from a country that allowed separate schools based solely on the color of skin to one whose supreme court ruled that separate is not equal; then we can become a country where domestic violence is not acceptable.

The Charlotte Observer interviewed one of the boys in the photo and he said that he did nothing and through his doing nothing, he was condoning the whole crowd’s behavior. That’s what we have to learn about domestic violence. Doing nothing is our agreement that violence in the home is acceptable. It’s time to do something.

It's Just a Piece of Paper

I hear that phrase all the time. People are usually referring to a domestic violence protective order. What else is just a piece of paper?

Your social security card, your birth certificate, your marriage license, your gun license, your health insurance card (if you have one), your car insurance card, and the bill of rights are just pieces of paper too.

A Known History of Violence
A common line in domestic violence articles says: There was no history of domestic violence. I always silently say to myself, really? How would one know? Does the reporter really mean to write, there was no police or court record of domestic violence. That’s a very different statement with a different meaning all together. Victims of abuse do not always call the police or use the court system. When victims get restraining orders, they are sometimes told, it’s just a piece of paper. Sometimes they have been murdered and “experts” are quoted as saying, “it was just a piece of paper.”

A Legal Document
A protective order is a legal document. It’s a written record of abuse. It’s one piece of proof of a history of violence. It’s a piece of paper that may help us understand abusers and their long histories of violence. That might not be a good reason to get a restraining order. Every case is different. It’s a reason that we do need to consider. A protective order can help communities understand that abusers don’t “snap." A protective order can help communities understand the history of violence that abusers bring into relationships. A protective order can serve more than one purpose. It can be a tool to understand abuse and a tool to keep victims safe while holding abusers accountable.

We Can't Have It Both Ways
If it’s just a piece of paper, then why did advocates fight so hard to get Chapter 50B passed in North Carolina? If it’s just a piece of paper, then why does virtually every domestic violence crisis center in North Carolina provide court advocates to help victims fill out paperwork for protective orders? Why are crisis centers required to provide court advocacy? Victims are told that they need to get a protective order and then they are told, it’s just a piece of paper.

Leave It for Bumper Stickers
As advocates and allies, let’s move on from calling a protective order just a piece of paper. Let’s talk about what it means to have a protective order. Let’s talk about what it can and cannot do. Leave the bumper sticker phrases for the backs of cars and let’s have some real dialog about protective orders.

Abusers Mow Lawns

I have been reading about domestic violence homicides in newspapers since the early 1990s. I am always fascinated by the interviews with the neighbors of the alleged murderer. The quote that I remember the most is the neighbor who stated that the man accused of the murder had mowed the lawn for her just the day before the murder. It does seem strange that someone could mow your lawn one day and murder his wife right next door to you the next day.

Even abusers do neighborly deeds like mowing lawns. It's what makes it so hard to fathom that they are also capable of homicide. It's frustrating as an advocate to see the neighbor interviews in homicide articles. They are not domestic violence experts and because of the private, secret nature of domestic violence, they probably did not see or witness any battering. The neighbor interview may show that we really never know who might be an abuser. Unfortunately, it also creates the idea that this person must have just "snapped" (or other terms in that same genre that people use to explain domestic violence homicides). When we hear the neighbor talk about what a nice person he was, it places doubt that most likeley an ongoing pattern of abusive behavior was occurring.

Abusers tend to be calculating people. They know that abuse behind closed doors with the persona of being a good neighbor will create doubts in anyone's mind that they could be capable of violence.

Enter

Welcome to my blog. This is an exciting and scary adventure - especially for someone who considers herself a fairly private person. For me, the privacy stops when it's time to stand up for ending domestic violence. That's something I'll talk about and write about to anyone who will listen and/or read.

My title for my first entry is "enter" because it's such a welcoming word. It was going to say "yes" and I was going to tell the story of why it would say "yes" but as I was writing, I realized that the story involves someone who has been written about as an abuser. That didn't seem like the right way to start my blog. Thus, the word "enter."

I'm looking forward to your comments and insights about domestic violence. Welcome to WIMS.