True Domestic Violence?

At a recent workshop I asked the participants to share their goals for the day. One person asked me to share the definition of "true domestic violence." That threw me for a loop. I wasn't sure what "fake domestic violence" is or "untrue domestic violence" or whatever is the opposite of "true domestic violence." I got the impression that she was not talking about someone making up a story of domestic violence.

I asked for clarification and the person shared that intake workers (for social services) find out that a husband hit a wife and a wife then pushed her husband and the intake worker labels that domestic violence. She stated that this is frustrating for investigators because it is not "true domestic violence."

As long as we paint domestic violence as a story of one monstrous person always hitting and striking one victim, then we'll have questions and confusion. Domestic violence doesn't measure up like that. Abusers aren't monsters and victims do not sit back and do nothing while their partner beats them up. We owe it to victims of partner violence to understand the dynamics of when an abuser uses violence and if and when a victim uses violence.

Not all victims use violence, but when they do, it is not for the same reasons that an abuser uses violence and it does not yield the same results. You have to be willing to ask in depth questions and find answers that are complicated and may not look the way you thought domestic violence looks, especially if you learned about it in a class or in a book, and not from experience or from working with both survivors and perpetrators.

Back to that one hit and one push couple. I'll have to do my homework and find the study, but I have read before that victims of abuse have experienced physical violence about 9 times before they call the police. Hearing about one hit and one push deserves more investigation. Odds are that much more violence was taking place before protective services was called. One hit and one push does not necessarily mean that you are dealing with two people fighting.

Also, the overlap of child abuse and domestic violence is at least 50%. What is the harm in screening all families for domestic abuse?

About Me
I'll write more about this in another entry. For now, I'm headed to Jackson County, NC for some R&R. I'll be canoeing on the Nantahala River. Remember to take breaks when you need it. The work isn't going away and it will all be there for you when you get back. The break refreshes the mind and restores the heart - especially when you get to be surrounded by nature.