Jealousy and Possessiveness - not the same

Jealousy gets such a bad rap. It's just an emotion - like all the other ones. Happy, sad, mad, glad, frustrated, hurt, love, etc. etc.

What you do with the emotion might be an unhealthy choice, but none of the emotions are good or bad in and of themselves. They are simply part of the human condition.

Jealousy is a normal emotion.
I really don't think I have ever met a person who did not experience the feeling of jealousy at some point in time over something. It might be over someone's car, haircut, or vacation plans. Then there is the jealousy that comes from seeing your partner talking or flirting with someone. I would still categorize that as a normal feeling. Sometimes the person really is seeing their partner do something that is threatening to the integrity of the relationship. Other times, people's insecurities can get in the way of seeing that their partner is not doing anything that is harmful or threatening.

An Example
A person might see their partner talking and laughing with someone at a party and feel a pang of jealousy and wonder why their partner is talking to this other person. That mightbe as far as the emotion goes. Maybe they act on the jealous feelings and they walk over and join in the conversation. When someone is possessive, it might start with the feeling of jealousy, but it escalates into controlling behavior. The possessive person is not going to check out the situation. The possessive person will make assumptions about their partner and who they should and should not talk to at a party.

Possessiveness
The possessive person will be more likely to do something like go to their partner and say it's time to leave the party. Or they might go over to their partner, put their arm around them and forcefully escort them away from the person they are talking to - regardless of being in the middle of a conversation. The very sophisticated abuser will simply strategically place themselves within view and give their partner "the look" that says, stop talking to that person now, unless you want something bad to happen. The scary part about the threatening look is that it combines emotional abuse with "crazy-making" where you begin to think that you are in control of whether or not your partner does something worse to you, when in reality, all abusers are in control of their own behavior.

When Does It Cross the Line?
If your jealousy moves out of the realm of emotions and into the realm of behavior used to control your partner, then it's turning into possessiveness. Possessiveness (in this context) is the idea that you have the right to control your partner's actions because of your jealousy. The possessive person uses feelings of jealousy as an excuse to attempt to control another person's behavior. That is abuse.

Expressing Jealousy
Since it is a normal emotion, it can be expressed in a healthy way. You have a right to express your feelings of jealousy. You have a right to have the emotion. You have the right to let your parnter know how certain behaviors make you feel. You don't have the right to control what your partner does and does not do. A healthy, respectful partner will honor your feelings and be open to a dialog about jealousy. A healthy partner will not use your jealousy as a weapon or tool to emotionally abuse you and criticize you, or make you second guess yourself. If your jealousy is unfounded and is pre-occupying all of your time and thoughts, then that's a separate issue that you have to address for yourself because it could be harming an otherwise healthy relationship.

Final Thought
Think about your own feelings of jealousy. It's within your power to monitor your own emotions and behaviors. I'ts up to you to not let your jealousy turn to controlling, possessive and sometimes abusive behaviors and it's up to you to look at your jealousy and not let it control and run your own life.