Know The Past

I like to read the Parade magazine that comes with the Sunday News and Observer. This past Sunday, I read an interesting tidbit written by historian David McCullough. In the article, he talked about how important it is for a nation to know its past.

It's also important to know about the past of the person you are dating. It's important to know about their childhood and upbringing. It's also important to know about their past dating relationships.

Background Check
I have started asking participants in workshops if they have done a criminal background check on a person they are considering dating. More and more people answer yes. That's one way to find out about a person's past. I don't have feelings one way or the other about the criminal background check. I do think it's good to do your own "background" check. Get to know this person's personal history. What is their family like? How do they feel about their mother? What is their job history (abusers often have sporadic job histories)? What do they have to say about their last partner? How did the relationship end? - these are just some of hundreds of examples.

Quick Involvement
One control tactic that abusers use on their intimate partners is to get involved quickly. If two people get involved quickly, it's harder to get out of the relationship. Abusers know that. It's also harder to deal with learning negative information about our partner. We are more likely to dismiss it or explain it away if we are deeply involved - or what has the appearance of deeply involved - expensive gifts, living together, physical intimacy, shared secrets, etc.

Examples
A person who abuses tends to want to get involved quickly. Some common examples that I hear from battered women:
Moving in after dating for 2 weeks.
Giving an expensive piece of jewelry after only knowing each other for a month.
Asking to marry after a month of dating.

Trust the Gut
I was recently discussing relationships with my brother, John. He said, "The heart is an idiot, the gut is a genius." In addition to making me laugh out loud, I also took note of how wise the statement is. It's easy to fall head over heels "in love" right away and listen to your heart over your instincts that are quietly screaming, "RUN!" And sometimes our partners are drowning out our inner voice with their own little diatribe of why we should listen to them and trust them more than our own gut.