Good Providers and Good Parents

I had a great time in Nash County yesterday. I gave a presentation on domestic violence for the NC Division of Community Corrections staff that work in eastern NC. We had an interesting discussion about whether or not a batterer can still be a good parent.

My take on this is that a person who abuses their adult partner can be a good provider. However, I believe their ability to be a good parent is completely hindered by the way they treat their adult partner - even if they never commit any act of abuse directly targeted towards the child. The abuser may provide food, shelter, and clothing to their family, but it takes more than providing basic necessities to be a good parent.

Children are learning.
Children hear, see, feel, and know the abuse that is going on in their home. Abusers and victims both tend to minimize how much children are exposed to battering. Witnessing your parent abuse your other parent is confusing and frightening. Tied up with those emotions is learning. A child is learning about how to treat an intimate partner, learning about power, learning about shame, guilt, and family secrets. When the violence is not talked about and not addressed, children are learning not to trust their ability to assess reality.

Pretending is common with abuse.
The parents start pretending that the children didn't see, hear, or know what happened. The abuse is not discussed. The evidence is there for everyone to see, but no one is talking. This is the beginning of invalidation of the child's thoughts and feelings. This the beginning of losing trust in your ability to look at a situation and measure up what happened. The shame that hangs in the air is palpable. Depending on the age, children will see the world as either/or and as they try to make sense of abuse, they often end up feeling like one parent was right and one parent was wrong.

They may feel like they have to pick sides.
The abuser will feed on this and use children as a weapon and encourage them to pick sides. Abusers will use the tactic of dividing and conquering the family. One way to do that is to force children into picking sides and picking a parent who is justified and "right."

Think about it. Feel about it.
The impact of witnessing battering is complex. The child's age, developmental stage, sibling relationships, outside supports, and general disposition will all influence how a child copes with witnessing abuse (to name a few examples). Think about your own parenting style and your own childhood. What was most important to you when you were a child? What is important to you now as a parent? What are your feelings about your childhood? What are your feelings about your parenting?

To learn more about the impact of children witnessing battering, I recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft, The Batterer as Parent.