Connecting

Sometimes people believe that women pick violent men as partners. Almost every woman who has been battered that I have ever talked to has said that the person she fell in love with was charming, fun, exciting, or some other positive adjective. I've never heard a woman tell me she fell in love with a man because he was violent. Most women didn't know the man was violent (emotionally or physically) until after they were connected. I use the term "connected" because, really...what is love? In spite of sonnets, poems, books, films, and personal experiences, it's hard to find 2 people who agree on what love is - and don't even get the 2 people started on talking about "healthy" love.

What I do know is that some people are living their love life in a fog. If you are living in a fog, then your ability to pick a mate is not at it's optimum performance. You are missing major signs and signals of what lies ahead with a particular mate. This fog comes in many forms including a person's personal experiences and upbringing as well as cultural beliefs. Is someone in the fog of believing they have to be married before they turn 30? Is the fog alcohol or drugs? The fog might be a childhood of being told you are no good. The fog might be a belief that all people are abusers and therefore, you don't have to discern one mate from another. The fog might be a tendency to ignore your gut feelings about someone. The fog might be lust. The fog might be the belief that this person is the most wonderful person on the planet and you cannot hear one negative word uttered about them. The list is long. Think about the fogs that you have been in or the fog of your friends as you watched them stumble around in their personal fog - right into a bad or abusive relationship.

That certainly doesn't make abuse a victim's fault. It does mean that we all need to work on coming out of our own personal fog so that we can go into our relationships with clarity and conviction in our choices.

I've had the joyful experience of running across the Golden Gate Bridge. In the span of 30 minutes, I ran through fog, light ran, sun, wind, and cloudiness. It was all very fascinating, but the greatest joy was running in the full sun with a clear view ahead and at all sides.

Lift your fog and here's to improving the ability to have healthy, loving connections!