Packing and Unpacking

Training in Union County
I'm on my way to Union County (North Carolina) today to conduct training with Sgt. John Guard (Pitt County Sheriff's Office Domestic Violence Unit). This training is sponsored by Turning Point of Union County. This is a wonderful agency providing services to victims and survivors of domestic violence. You can learn more about them at www.unioncountyturningpoint.org.

The training is titled, "Finding Solutions: Community Response to Victims, Children, and Perpetrators of Domestic Violence."

Packing
I'm leaving in a couple of hours and, of course, I haven't packed yet. Anyone who knows me knows that I wait until the last minute to pack.

Packing is so often what communities directly and indirectly encourage victims to do. We encourage victims to pack up and leave abusers. It's certainly an option and not necessarily a bad option in terms of individual choices. It is not a solution to domestic violence though. Leaving an abuser means there is an abuser out there who no longer has their partner either living with them or in a relationship with them. It's not the end of individual battering for the victims (I say victims because we need to remember how often children are part of this scenario) and it's not the end of domestic violence for communities.

Batterers frequently continue to harass and stalk their victims after they leave. They sometimes take the ultimate revenge and kill their partners and children for having the gall to leave them. Even when abusers don't stalk, harass, or murder their ex-partners and/or children, they are still abusers. They are most likely going to get into a new intimate relationship. They will still have the exact same behaviors and patterns - especially if they have never been held accountable for their abusive behavior.

Unpacking the Issue
Communities put immense time, energy, money, and resources into encouraging victims to leave abusers. We're long overdue to find new ways to put energy into holding abusers accountable and keeping them from continuing to batter new and past partners. That accountability has to come from beyond the criminal justice system. Abusers need to be taught new ways of being in intimate relationships, kept from abusing/harassing/stalking/murdering new and old partners, and held accountable for violent behavior that rises to the level of being criminal. This means faith communities, schools, employers, co-workers, friends, bar-mates, fraternities, sports teams and everybody breathing needs to take a part in ending domestic violence. Another shelter won't do it. Let's stop the problem at its source.